I Musta Taken A Wrong Turn At Purgatory

If I found myself at the pearly gates I would assume that I got put on the wrong bus. I honestly pictured my afterlife looking like the cover of a Black Sabbath album. You know all lake of fire and imps poking the damned in the arse with tridents and stuff. However, if I was at the pearly gates and standing before Saint Peter, I'd ask to talk to management, because I have questions. When facing the regional manager of the entire universe I'd have to ask:

1. Why do those who profess to be on your team seem to forget your more pesky instructions such as, "Love thy neighbor and pray for thy enemy" and "Judge not lest ye be judged?"

2. Your kid had to borrow a donkey to get where he needed to go...Why do your supposed prophets, teachers, healers, etc. need to fly around on private jets and live in mansions? Didn't God Jr. say, "It's easier for a camel to walk through an eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the gates of heaven." Seems like your middle management missed a memo somewhere.

3. Why do many of your followers get their panties in a knot over unborn children and abortion, but as soon as they're born these poor kids are seen as a drain on the good Christian taxpayer? Why did I, a born again heathen see the benefit of (and take advantage of the opportunity to) adopting a child, but so many of Team Big Guy In the Sky ignore the already born kiddos who are going hungry, homeless, and without loving parents. Shouldn't there actually be waitlists filled with Christians who are waiting to adopt the much sought after child in need? When instead, there are thousands of children languishing in the foster system who may never get a forever home? Why do your most righteous often vote for and support candidates who reduce programs that provide for poor and disadvantaged children that are already here, but fight against a woman's right to choose? Does this mean life is only precious until it raises taxes or affects my monthly budget?

4. Don't you think Satan's job has become a bit obsolete? Humans have proven time and time again that we are plenty capable of doing evil without the need of demonic inspiration and coercion? After masterminding countless genocides, two world wars, hate crimes, and the founding of FOX News I think the mortal student has surpassed the master.

5. Do I not understand the 10 Commandments because my understanding of the, "Thou Shalt Not Kill" commandment seems contrary to the ongoing record of what Christians actually do. Native Americans were slaughtered by the millions or robbed of their cultural heritage by our good Christian founding fathers because they were, "Godless heathens." Our African American brothers and sisters in Christ were torn from their homes and brought to a new world where they were often worked to death because the good Christian slavers and slave owners felt that the good book suggested being a slave isn't all bad. Am I missing something here? It isn't, "Thou Shalt Not Kill Unless it is Advantageous To Pasty White People" is it?

Of course, during my questions I'm sure someone would have hurriedly worked to correct the mistake in my final destination and I would be given the correct ticket for the Fire and Brimstone Express. Come to think of it, if heaven is filled with good Christians I might prefer the other place anyway.