Living with Wolves

I didn't know this so-called research trip is a journey with no return into the house of wolves. Every one of us in this industry is in the same country, some in the same city some not. We act as if we're forming a happy loving community. Then we turn and try to stab each other in the back.

It's quite ridiculous. Come to think of it, nobody ever warned me, or anyone maybe. Academia is such a funny world. We know so much, yet speak of so little. Every single one of my predecessors has gone through this, yet they said nothing. I was sent on this journey…wait, I CHOSE to be sent on this journey. I looked into my boss's eyes and ask, "How was it like for you?" He replied, "Oh it was great! It was fantastic!"

No it's not. Absolutely not. I have never been this unhappy, being around hypocrites all day. And I have to become one too. This is quite ironic. We are studying humanities, but we must throw away our own humanity first. I put on a mask, so do you. We smile and never talk about the real stuff.

I ask, "How was your week?" They say, "It was good I had really good coffee."

They ask, "How is your research going?" I say, "Pretty good! Everyone here is so nice!"

We never speak of the truth. The truth is that we're all in so much pain in the heart. We're losing our minds and our conscience. We're becoming wolves every day.

Actually, wolves are way better. They work with each other in the pack. We don't.

Are we even a pack? I thought we were supposed to be.

I don't understand. I'm too naive. All I want to do is read and learn and talk about what I read and learn. But no one wants me to do that.

I cannot be that bubbly friend or colleague that everyone wants me to be. I cannot smile all day and not complain. This world is fucked up I have so much to complain about. I cannot contain it I'll go crazy.

Tired. My body aching. My mind hurting. My heart worn from all the fake expectations. All I wanted to do was to be a good person. I even took a New Year's oath: I'm gonna become a kind person. Then I realized no one wanted me to be kind.

They want to see me sharp. My claws my teeth, my eyes shooting out laser beams.

A bubbly doll with laser eyes. Superman should go get fucked.

No. We are all supermen. We are the ultimate lying hypocrites. We care about global warming. We support gender rights. But we stab each other in the back first. Or maybe after, depending on which order has the bigger benefit.

My entire body is aching. My heart too. From pain from anger from disappointment. I had so much love so much passion, only for it to be tossed into turds.

I don't understand. I'm too naive.

But don't you worry. I'm a hard-working learner I'll catch up in no time. And you'll witness it when--after--I turn successfully into a cold-hearted bitch, just as everyone expected me to. I'll eat my heart, washing it down with my tears and blood.