Nightmare

It starts the same every time. This nightmare has been a few times a week occurrence for about the last year.

I am drifting off to sleep and smell the faintest of cigarette smoke from outside my bedroom window. My brain is confused by this since no one smokes cigarettes in my life and I live alone. As the intensity of the smell increases the music starts. Always the same. "In Spite of Ourselves" by John Prine. The song grows louder and now the smell of the cigarettes are right under my nose. And there is a shift of weight on my bed. I can feel the breath and warmth of someone. There is no face. Ever. Just a shadow. The conversation starts with "Hello my dear." I know the voice from the recesses of mind. It is so cool and seductive and absolutely terrifying. The coldness of a hand is rubbing my arm. I want to run but am frozen. And in that split second I feel that hand around my neck soon joined by a second hand. A shift and the shadow is straddling me, pinning my arms. I try to scream but only a tiny whimper escapes. I can feel the pressure building around my neck. Each fingers warmth. And the sound of the song and the shadows laughter intermingling. The shadow telling me no one will ever want me due to the scars. I struggling to get away to no avail. The shadow is taking a more distinct form. I know it is a man, someone I know, I just can't figure it out. The fingers loosen for a second and I scream myself awake. The feeling of those hands still around my neck, the song fading along with the cigarette smoke. I stumble to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and scream more. My neck has the perfect outline of ten fingers on it. And the bruising is starting to show. I check the doors and the windows. They are all as I left them; all locked. There is no one there in my house. I slowly go back to bed. Sleep comes in fits. In the light of the morning there are no marks but there is still the faint smell of cigarettes lingering outside my bedroom window.

cjtalyor 2023