Eternal
The thing about being terminally ill is that you know you weren't made to last. It never really bothered me though because I had always expected the same outcome since my diagnosis: death. In a strange way you become accustomed to the very thing that so many people hope to defy, for those who are terminally ill death simply becomes your norm. At least this notion hadn't bothered me until I met you: brown eyes, dusty blonde hair, and a smile that made me want to smile back.
I have relived those moments over and over again but this time it's much more vivid, much more in depth. I ran through the hospital halls laughing as frantic nurses trailed after me, practically tripping on their own two feet as they desperately tried to catch up. This was my turf though, I spent hours upon hours upon hours roaming these bleak walls in an attempt to find some temporary cure from boredom. This little chase is just the thing to cure my excitement. I swerve through doctors and patients alike as I make my way towards the hospital doors.
"Stop her!" One nurse shouts as she pauses to catch her breath.
I round a corner and run as fast as I can down the hall and into an empty storage room. I stand with my back to the wall listening for the staff members set on chasing me down and dragging me back to that hospital bed. My breathing is ragged and my lungs burn from the brief sprint. Do other kids get this tired from running short distances or is it just another side affect of the illness? The question doesn't linger long though, one nurse comes jogging down the hallway with a doctor and two security guards on her heels.
"Did you see her?" She asks frantically.
"She must've turned down another hall."
The loud echoing of their footsteps confirm that they've fled far away from my little hiding place which means I can now accomplish my mission: escape to the garden. I try to calmly walk out of the doorway but I swear my heartbeat can be heard from miles away. I've attempted this escape three times, including this one, and this is my only successful attempt. That is why I have to make this one count. The air is crisp as I open the hospital doors that lead to the garden. It's mid Fall and the colors are as vibrant as ever. Red, yellow, orange, all types of colored leaves blanket the ground like an endless sea. Fall is a season of change and for that reason I've always loved Fall the most.
"Shouldn't you be out here with a coat on?" I practically jump at the sudden question.
My head snaps to the right where a boy maybe 17ish tries and fails to suppress a laugh. Long dirty blonde hair falls to his forehead which somehow draws attention to his long eyelashes and golden brown eyes. He looks to be about my age but his face looks so much more lively. His eyes shine with a boldness I've never been able to capture and something about it draws me to him.
"Seriously though it's freezing out here. You need a coat." He shrugs off his jacket and holds it out to me. I'm almost too distracted to notice. I can't help but admire the life in this boy. "Can you not talk?"
"I can talk." I snap back as I take his coat and pull it around my shoulders.
"So who're you visiting?"
"Visiting?" I repeat the word. It sounds so foreign, I've never really "visited" a hospital. I mainly just live in them.
"Yeah." He replies as he picks up a giant red leaf off the ground. "I'm visiting my mom."
"Oh, I'm actually..." The words get stuck in my throat. I've been a patient my whole life, I've only ever been known as a patient, I've only ever been treated like a patient but this, this could be different. "I'm visiting my sister."
"I've never seen you around before. I'm Bryton, it's nice to meet you." He offers a smile that extends all the way to my own face as my lips move to match his warm expression.
"I'm Melody and it's nice to meet you too."
"Well, Melody, we'll likely be seeing each other a lot. Want to be friends?" His face brightens to a light shade of pink as he awkwardly holds out his hand. I've never seen anyone make such a silly expression, which is why I can't help but laugh.
"Yes, friends." I reply as I shake his hand. "So you said you're visiting your mom, what floor is she on?"
His eyes dull a little bit, almost as if my question has forcibly sucked away a bit of life from him. Sometimes I forget not everyone is as accustomed to death as many of us hospital residents are.
"I'm sorry, it was rude of me to ask." I blurt out, hoping I didn't just lose the first friend I've ever made.
"No, it's totally fine. She's on floor 8." He mutters.
Floor 8: the floor that houses cancer patients but more specifically stage four cancer patients. It's the floor right below mine. In some sick twisted way it's almost as though they purposely put those of us who aren't likely to live long closer to heaven. Whether it is a blessing or a curse I have yet to decide.
"Is that her?" The nurses voice carries across the entire garden. I lock eyes with her and as soon as I do she begins moving towards me with her same posse in toe.
"Run!" Is all I can yell before I grab the boys hand and begin running.
He gives me a confused expression but begins running anyways. We only glance back once but it's at the most perfect time possible. The head nurse trips on the walkway curb and goes tumbling into a pile of carefully raked leaves. Bryton and I can't help but laugh as we continue to run away. I don't think I've ever had so much fun. We run back inside the building and towards the busy cafeteria. Hiding in plain sight is just what I need right now.
"You're crazy." He laughs as we finally slow to walk. "Absolutely crazy."
"Life isn't fun if it's not a little crazy." I pull his hood up over my head as we sit at a table in the corner.
"Why were they looking for you?"
I shrug hoping that will stop any further questions. I just want to feel normal for a little bit, just for a day at least. It can't be that bad to have a little fun once in a while right?
"Have you ever had the chocolate chip cookies?" I ask as he attempts to comb through his messy hair.
"Yes, they're ok."
"Ok? Just ok? They're the best culinary invention in the world!" I exclaim in disbelief.
"No, no, no, the brownies here are so much better!" As he speaks that same warm smile creeps up his face and in that moment I almost want to believe him. But I know the cookies are better, it's just a fact.
Our conversation trails on for hours. We argue about the best cafeteria food and discuss our favorite artists. He explains his family life, how his dad was never around and how his sister had left them the second she was an adult. I explain how lonely hospital life is using my "sister" as a mask to vent my frustration and feelings. We discuss our traumas, our broken hearts, our wounds unhealed, and those still healing. And for once I feel like a person not a patient.
"What are your goals in life?" He asks as he takes a long drink of his 10th glass of lemonade.
This question stops me cold. Goals? I never really thought of any long term goals. I never know how long I have so how is it possible to establish goals when I have no idea how long it will take to accomplish them? To be completely honest though, I've never really thought about it. I never thought I had a need to.
"I finally found you!" My nurse shouts as she gently pulls down the hood on my head.
"Fine, fine, I give up." I raise my hands in defeat as I silently sigh a breath of relief. Without knowing it she saved me from his question about goals, something I will definitely have to thank her for later.
"And who are you?" She asks as she eyes Bryton. He stands immediately as he holds out his hand the same way he did to me hours ago.
"Bryton." He replies as she briefly shakes his hand.
"Well I'm assuming Melody didn't tell you she's supposed to stay in her room." Her attention switches back to me. "Come on Melody, you know it isn't good for you to be exposed for so long. What if you caught a virus or even just a cold? Anything could be life threatening for you!"
"Life threatening?" Bryton repeats the words as his brows furrow into confusion.
"Melody has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease." The nurse recites as she hurriedly pushes me towards the door. "It's very dangerous for her to be exposed to places where respiratory infections can be airborne."
"I'm sorry." I shout over my shoulder. I expect him to be angry or disappointed or something along those lines but instead he only looks sad.
"It's ok, I get it!" He yells as he manages to bring forth a bittersweet smile. How can someone who has such sad eyes manage such a happy smile? "I'll visit you if they let me!"
He held true to his words. He visited me for 365 days, a whole entire year, he spent with me. I counted every visit and I looked forward to each of them. Every. Single. One. They were the best moments of my entire life. He reminded me that I was human, that I was more than a sick girl awaiting her death.
"Look Mel, look at the trees." Bryton's whispered words snap me back to reality. My eyes feel so heavy, my whole body is so so heavy.
Where are we? My eyes fight to open which is only half successful as I let light flood into the barely opened slits. The colors are all there: red, orange, yellow, all the colors of fall, all the colors I love, in the season I love, with the boy I love. That's right, that's why I'm here. I asked him to take me here so I could see the leaves one last time. I'm surrounded by the things I love, what a special way to spend the time I have left. My eyes drift over Bryton who's eyes are wet with tears, a few stream down his face as he attempt to hold back the floodgates. Even now, as his eyes meet mine he smiles. A beautiful smile that makes me want to smile back and so that's what I do. I may not know much but I do know smiles like that can survive eternities. Which is why I smile as I drift away to my own eternal fall.