Plenty of Fish? Of Course. Some Will Just Eat You.

There are indeed plenty of fish in the sea. Since we are usually talking about potential life partners with this metaphor the problem is more a matter of quality than quantity. The problem is as we swim along we get this idea of a particular kind of fish with particular assets that will make us happy. She has to be an angel fish with HUGE gills and a tight little papillia (female fish no-no place.) He has to be a an aggressive shark or barracuda with a MASSIVE priapium (male fish no-no place) and a tail fin that looks good as it sways in the water. We fail to realize that all fish have their flaws, even those with perfect dorsal fins and shiny scales. Of course some of these flaws may not be seen with the naked fish eye. It is the hidden flaws which can often cause the greatest trouble for the fish in search of a mate.

For the male fish, his perceived ideal angelfish may be a multicolored beauty that swims with divine grace, but maybe she demands that he makes a lot of clams and that they live in the most expensive part of the reef. Perhaps she's the type of fish that'll spawn with his best friend, the tuna next door, and in a frenzy of sexual curiosity, the octopus on the other side of the reef. Either way, the male fish may end up miserable as he watches his mate take their fry and move in with that studly grouper that lives in that new luxury kelp condo complex. Of course, he will feel awful and contemplate swallowing the first hook he swims across to end his misery. Ultimately, the male fish will start to wonder if his angelfish was actually a piranha in angelfish scales.

Her shark may be sleek and sexy, but he will probably want to go with the boys to play, Delimb the Surfer all the time. Even worse, his idea of good parenting may be that he only eats half of hers and his pups. Finally due to his aggressive nature, she may end up on the wrong side of a feeding frenzy. Oh, sharks may be sleek and sexy, but at the end of the day they just aren't really family fish. At best, she will be left all alone to raise the pups lucky enough not to be eaten by daddy. At worst, she may become a part of his seafood platter.

My angel fish was wise enough to avoid the sharks and barracudas. Instead she had a nice amberjack or sailfish in mind for a mate. Then she met a clownfish with a gimpy pectoral fin and tail fin. Unfortunately with gimpy fins he couldn't swim in a straight line so had no choice but to swim in circles. Of course, swimming in circles day in and day out caused him to be perpetually dizzy and none too bright. Also he wasn't very handsome as he lived in waters used frequently as dumping spots for nuclear waste. Still, this mutant, gimpy clownfish listened to the angelfish, would watch The Little Mermaid with her over and over again, and he loved to make her laugh until she bubbled. To the angelfish's surprise she found that she loved the Quasimodo-like clown fish and she became his mate.

So, yes there are plenty of fish in the sea, but a lonely fish mustn't be blind to the piranhas in disguise or the sharks who have serious dietary quirks and commitment issues. Maybe they will see the value in that one the fishermen threw back.

We here at Urban Idiot Industries would like to warn our fellow parents. The Little Mermaid may seem to be a family film, but don't be fooled. It is as smutty as they come just think about the song, "Under the Sea"

Under the sea

Under the sea

It's so much better, down where it's wetter

Take it from me.

Sounds harmless, but when you take into account the song is sung by A CRAB it makes you wonder where this better, wetter place really is.