I have a major life update

So as some of you who've followed my journey since I first found Prose know I used to date a guy who was also on Prose. (I had introduced him). We were around 14. A lot of my friends here were very supportive. I graduated highschool a year early and moved for college and I mostly just disappeared. The thing is, I had a lot of stuff happen. I've come on here a few times and given updates but yeah. I dropped out of college after my first semester because my ex pressured me to drop out. I moved in with him and it's like my life fell apart. It took me forever to realize it but a lot of the things he did were controlling and abusive. He was constantly tearing me down. I almost gave up writing because of him, because he told me that I was never going to go anywhere and no one would want to read what I write. April of 2022 we broke up. At the time it felt like the worse thing ever because I was so attached to that boy. But therapy and making new friends has made me realize that I wasn't attached to him because I loved him or he loved me... I was attached to him because I grew up thinking I was nothing and at first he made me feel special and that was addicting. I should have left him the moment he blamed me for all the things my father did to me when I was a child. I should have left him the moment he told me I couldn't hang out with my best friend because she took some of my attention away from him. I should've left him the moment he told me nobody in my family loved me and they wouldn't notice if I killed myself.

Around July of 2022 I started to look for someone new and I started dating another guy. Do you ever get the feeling that if you stick around a person they will hurt you, physically. That is how I felt about this dude. I also had the same nightmare every single night since I had met him. I was very wary of him. Every time he was me, he wanted to have sex. He was constantly giving me gifts and showering me in affection. (granted I very well could've been paranoid but I was convinced he was love bombing and I still am convinced he was) He made plans to take me to Jackson Square in NOLA because he wanted to show me the tarot readers and crystal shops there. I crashed at his place because he didn't want to bring me home. He raped me. Multiple times. I broke up with him as soon as I got home and was away from him. I wrote him a letter in google docs and emailed it to him. He called me 67 times wanting to work it out. We dated for a week. I blocked him. But I learned real fast that there's a lot of people that care about me when my brother found out.

For months after that second relationship I vowed to myself that I was going to heal. I focused on myself, deleted all dating apps. My routine was eat, sleep, work, and heal for months. I eventually started dating another dude in the army around my birthday. Things were going great but then he broke up with me because of deployment. His words were "If you do not move on, I will make you hate me. Forget about me, find a great guy who went to college and is not in the military, marry him and live your dream." I can't really resent him for breaking up with me... I know he just wanted what was best for me and maybe he knew he wasn't going to be that for me.

After that I dated a guy and he broke my record for the shortest relationship I've been in,. We dated for 3 days and he left me for his ex.

After that I gave myself a little more time before trying to enter a new relationship. But I am in one currently. His name is Jason. I feel like I could talk to him about anything and everything under the sun. He respects me and he encourages me to do the things I love. He comforts me when I am sad and makes me laugh. When he doesn't know how to cheer me up he'll sometimes look up corny jokes and read them off to me just to help me. I feel safe with him. I feel heard and seen. He makes me feel special but not in that overwhelming way, like I know I'm special to him but not just when I'm happy. I don't have to hide any part of myself for fear that he'll be repulsed because he loves every part of me, wether it's my angry side or my hyper side. I've never questioned it when he's said he loves me. I've never felt wary of him when he gives me affection. He shows me he cares about me. Everything inside of me just tells me he is the one. His name is Jason but my heart has named him Home. We are getting married in August this year. Nothing fancy, just a courthouse wedding.