Self inflicted?

Heartache. She has many faces. When I had my heart broken for the first time it wasn't just a boy who stomped all over my heart, it was me who let him. No free pass for him though, he sucked. But, I can't put all the blame on him. He disrespected me again and again. My time, my body, my family, and I let him. Arguably my fault.

I was a junior in high school. Smart, creative, sarcastic, self assured, and self conscious of my looks. In a small rural school everyone knew everyone. My crush from the 6th grade was still my crush junior year. But after all those years he hadn't shown any interest. I was convinced I wasn't much to look at, wasn't worth anyone's time. But, that spring his number popped up in my phone. It kept popping up for the next two months, I was shocked. Did he like me?

This boy was an athlete, responsible, tall, and on track to be Valedictorian. A parents dream? So it seemed. I thought we had a lot in common, I thought he was quite a catch. I treated him as such, gushing over him to my friends, waiting on his every text. And maybe I should have see the red flags, but I joyfully ignored them. I was a naïve princess skipping through a forest fire, completely oblivious if you can imagine that.

At the beginning I think he truly liked me. But, looking back on it, that time was short lived. After a couple months he began to cancel our dates. "I'll pick you up at 5." I would spend the whole day getting ready, shower, shave, moisturize, stress. Five would roll around and nothing. My stomach in knots. After ten minutes or so another text would come in, "Hey I'm not feeling good, I can't come over." We'd do this little dance at least once or twice a week. Strange though, for all the times he "wasn't feeling well" he never missed a single day of school, or baseball game. But, like a young girl in love I ignored this.

My parents and brother saw right through this charade, trying softly to tell me this wasn't right. But, I ignored their warnings, happily planning date after date. Somewhere in this timeline he told me he loved me. That was the fatal shot. Nothing he did could make me question his words. "But he loves me." It went farther of course. I won't rehash what happened behind closed doors. But, the classic story of popular athlete and insecure girl, where no doesn't seem to mean anything isn't too far off.

So there I was, ten months into the relationship. Miserable, tired, angry underneath it all, and I still wanted to be with him. He was coming over on Thursday night. I was waiting for the text that he couldn't make it. But, I got a different text from a friend, "Hey just so you know, Scott was telling people that he's breaking up with you." Was I shocked? No, he hadn't said he loved me in weeks, but I guess I never took the hint. He picked me up in his grey truck. Opened the door for me without a word. I could feel it building up between us.

He didn't apologize, he didn't sympathize. Just said he was done, he didn't love me any more, and he really didn't want to try to work things out. Was this the part where he broke my heart? No, not exactly, he had broken my heart nearly every day for months. But this was the day I broke my own heart. I sat in that stupid truck with that mean, stupid boy and I begged him to stay, I asked him to love me, to try just one more time. How embarrassing.

It has taken me a long time to forgive myself for that day, for the whole thing really. I had spent my whole life thinking I was independent, smart, a girl with a good head on my shoulders. But, when a tall boy who I thought was a "good guy" broke me down and disrespected me in every way possible I let him right in. So, all of this goes to say, listen to your parents when they tell you someone is a piece of shit.