Swallows

I've been thinking a lot about what motivates me. I've been thinking about it because I don't know what motivates me. A lot of people find motivation in their purpose; but I don't know what my purpose is. I find it hard to drive myself toward the goals I want. Part of me feels like it's really as simple as "I want that, so, I go after it". And for short-term goals, that works for me. In the moment, I can decide to do something about what I want. The trouble I have is sticking to long-term goals. It seems to tie into this idea that what I do today should be for the betterment of my future self. My future self is who needs me to put in the work now so that he can be happy then. I want that for him, to be happy and healthy. I guess I just never thought I'd live this long so I've never given any thought to my future self and what he needs from me now. I don't even know what future Jordan is like. What he wants for himself and his loved ones. Another part of me wonders if it's even worthwhile to put effort into something unknown. I suppose that's the gist of faith. Do I have faith in my future self? Do I have faith in his contentment, success, will to live? I don't value being alive now; will that change with time as my future self comes to be? I suppose if I gave him a reason to, now, then yes, he would value this life. "Why don't you value this life?", you might ask. Because I've never been given a strong enough reason to. I think, in general, humans act based on their experiences. That basically defines intelligence, but more to the point is that I've had my fair share of negative experiences. Death, abuse, neglect, betrayal, struggle. The majority of my life is rooted in these tribulations. I've always been so hopeful about their end, but I only ever saw it coming with my own death; never giving a chance to the potential of what's in store for my future self. I've been told directly, by angels, that I'm not allowed to leave yet. And so, since I'll be here for a while (albeit reluctantly willing), I'm trying to figure out what will give me the drive, the tenacity and persistence, to push onward. I've done a lot of internal work to heal from past wounds and childhood traumas. I did it because I'm tired of being depressed and not having a good day simply because I'm still alive. I've come to recognize that a lot of my troubles are based in my habits. Coping mechanisms that satiate the impulsive and impatient Jordan and only for a brief while. He formed them to survive when he couldn't understand how to deal with what happened to him. That was the past self. I forgive him for not knowing how to navigate murky waters. I forgive him for just doing his best to get by, even when he didn't want to. And I love him for enduring all of that pain, sorrow, and angst. I love his bravery, no matter how shallow it seemed to him at the time; it got us, all three past, present, and future selves, through the game when Life dealt its cards. He and I still have work to do. Our future self is patiently waiting for our next move. And he's praying for the effort necessary for contentment...

As I write this, a single Swallow has been circling my car while occasionally chirping at me. Swallows represent good luck, safe travels, happiness, and positivity. It reminds me of a wide and long cloth ribbon, with two wooden holders at either end like the ends of a scroll, that had Swallows and flowers painted on it which hung in my grandparents' entry way of their late house. I believe this is their way, in watching over me, to affirm that my journey ahead will be so much better than I could have ever imagined. The work will be hard. Future Jordan will love me now more than ever for doing it; and therefore, he'll love himself more than ever for making it. Now where shall I begin?...