Daddy’s Little Girl

The first man I ever loved was my dad

He was a small ineffectual man, who drank, sang songs and on his nights off would go dancing with my mom

He also had a red hot temper

A hard working man

Charming

Everyone loved him

I saw the whole world in his eyes and listened to his every word

I was proud to be his little girl

He wanted me to stay small

I wasn’t allowed to eat too much because I might get fat

Like my mom.

‘Must not eat’ I thought to myself.

Carefully calculating morsels of food at 7 years young.

Barely able to stay awake at school and have enough energy for dance

I couldn’t grow taller because I needed to stay small, smaller than his 5’2” stature.

But I grew

Everything grew

My breasts, my hips, my height

I tried to prevent it but nothing worked

A finger down my throat might do the trick

I wanted nothing but to stay his little girl

I could tell things were changing between us

He didn’t want a teenager

I had to stay his little girl

At the edge of 14..

My mom left by provocation and I was told by my dad we were going to live with his new girlfriend and her son

In shock I gathered my things

It was all going to be fine

I just had to trust him

So I did.

Like always.

But it wasn’t

She decided it was her life’s mission to make me small and insignificant to their lives.

Abuse. Neglect. Gaslighting

I spent many nights alone, idol and frozen waiting for him to come home.

Anxiety set in

He was my best friend once and I had no idea what I did wrong

He chose her.

She was tall and looked like a stereotypical stepmother from a Disney movie

All she did was yell and throw things at me

And he let her

Depression set in

It was official

I was no longer his whole world

His little girl

Disdain and anger seethed out of him whenever he spoke to me

Barely looked at me

His words picked me apart little by little

Until I was small and ineffectual

Insignificant

He couldn’t see I was killing myself for him

By the time they kicked me out at 15

In the winter

I had no home and no house left to go to

I was alone, broken, afraid.

Small

So so small

My light dimmed

Used. Abused. Shattered.

He lied to me.

It was all supposed to be okay

So you see, no man could ever break me now

No

I was broken long ago

By the ineffectual man, who stood at 5’2”

My dad