Dan, the Safety Inspector
The man walked in, wearing a hard hat and a yellow safety vest, the word “safety“ printed on the back. He clutched a clipboard and a black pen, his face sullen. He looked as though he wanted to be anywhere but here.
”Hello. I’m Dan, the Safety Inspector. I’m here to inspect your dungeon.” He clicked his pen and looked around. “Well, are you going to take me there? The sooner I finish the better it will be for both of us, believe me.”
I led him down a set of narrow stairs, him mumbling about a lack of handrails. Honestly, ever since my minions had unionized things had become so much more tedious. Time was I didn’t have to worry about things like a safe dungeon. I opened the iron door and he walked into the room.
”Lack of fire egress and emergency exit signage. Tut, tut.” He walked up to the thumbscrews and grimaced. “Clearly unsanitary instruments of torture…ohh, is that a puddle? Slip hazard.” His pen was clicked and he scribbled something onto the clipboard. Nothing positive, I was sure.
He turned towards the wooden bucket in the corner and wrinkled his nose. “No lavatory. Evidence of mice and rats. Working instruments are covered in rust. Are those bones?” He pointed at a skeleton in the corner.
Dan had started to retreat towards my oh-so unsafe stairs. He clearly was unhappy with the state of my dungeon. I strode over to the now nervous inspector, my cape billowing behind me. One of my beautifully manicured hands rested on his shoulder, the plastic of his tacky vest crinkling.
”Yes. This is a dungeon, after all.” I drawled at Dan, the safety inspector.
”Dear me. Was the death one of your minions or a prisoner? Um, oh, never mind. Was it reported according to OSHA guidelines?”
”OSHA?” I questioned Dan, my hand tightening on his shoulder.
”Yes, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration. I’m sorry, Mr?”
”Morte.” Dan was sweating now. He tried to pull away from me but I held onto him firmly.
”I-i’m sorry Mr. M-morte, but, ahh, based on the violations in this room alone,I- I have to give you a failing grade.” My nails pierce his vest and touch his clammy skin. She trembles. “Y-you have t-two weeks to, uhh, fix the issues that have been identified or you will be shut down. Here is a list, list- hey what are you doing?”
I shoved Dan into the depths of the dungeon, locking the dungeon door, locking Dan inside. “Dealing with the problem.”
”What, no. Let me out! You have to let me out!”
I laughed and peered through the tiny window in the door. “What were you expecting, inspector? That I would just comply with your regulations and make my dungeon safe? That I would follow your codes? I’m a villain!”
“I don’t know what I was expecting, but please, not this! Anything but this!”
“See you next year Dan!”
I walked away, his screams fading into the distance. The agency wouldn’t notice his absence and it would be at least another year until they sent another safety inspector. By that time there would be two skeletons in my dungeon. Perhaps at some point the agency would figure out that the inspectors that they sent weren’t returning, and they would stop sending them to me. Until then I would just keep accumulating more skeletons for my dungeon. It’s a good thing that a dungeon can never have too many skeletons.