Well, it was a nice vacation spot.

All I knew was Tommy said something. That was all she said. Was they were getting ready for Church and Tommy said something. Because I never thought there was anything wrong in y'all's family, y'know, and I told Phil, before Sean, well you know, that Tommy seemed like the perfect Father caused he never raised his voice and I was always getting on Phil cause he always was yelling at Sean and even slapped him once but they got along fairly well, but I think I yelled at Phil more than anything, but the thing of it was that Tommy called me looking for her and he said that he hadn't seen her in three days and I just thought that was odd.

I remember the place. I remember it. We went back when I was older as a family with my dad because my first memory of the cabin was being in it with both of them. The carpet had knots in it that caught little particles of dust and skin like delicately tied flies cast upon a river and they had bought me a k'nex toy, a big one, that had a motor that I could assemble into a variety of things.

That is weird that you went back.

Well, it was a nice vacation spot. It was nice. The cabins. It was in Minnesota or somewhere. But I know exactly what happened even though I have no memory of the first time because it was always the same. We must have been getting ready to go to that mega church. I liked that one because the guy told nice stories about being nice even though I didn't like the whole intensity of the place and they never answered my questions in the youth group and they smiled too vapidly, I never liked the churches, even when we moved and tried all the other ones later, I always found God in church basements or in the hopeless places more than I found him/her/them/whatever in the pews. But regardless, it must have just been a stress thing because it was always about keeping up appearances and we were probably late and they got in a fight and she took off with me and didn't call to spite him and I don't know if he was still drinking back then but maybe he went on a bender but who knows it was probably that type of thing.

Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense. Cause I always thought it was weird. Y'all seemed so put together.

I remember going there with both of them. We went fishing. That is were I developed my fear of fish. That is why I'm so fucking scared of fish. Can't even deal with minnows cause we were in that little canoe and the pike that my Father reeled in was on the bottom thrashing around and the teeth gnashing around and

I bet

So I don't remember the first trip at all. Remember how I went to that place and they gave me those diagnoses and how they don't call it PTSD they call it complex PTSD, as if it is complex, and not quite so simple and I aint trying to get into the whole thing but like that is part of it was it jus things being all unstable and shit

So you don't remember

No, I didn't even know we went until you said that Tommy had called looking for her. I remember bits of the second one but it is interesting that the only memory you have of a crack in the surface is a memory that I don't have, because from the outside I bet it looked varnished as shit though because I thought if I kept up the outside image it would fix it inside our house and inside me.

The high life.

Yup.

Well, they did the best they could I guess.

I think they did. They were fucked up from what they went through which, as you know, was no fucking picnic, and I'm fucked up and I know that I'm way more fucked up than them. And they've been patient with me. They've shown grace. I took their issues and doubled, quadrupled down on them and I'm beyond fucked up at this point but I'm working on it.

I guess that is all you can do. How is the budgeting going?

Not well. But I'm okay with it. I wanted to live by the beach and now I live by the beach. And I'm relying a lot less on them for any financial support so I can meet them on more equal terms and maybe we do some family therapy but either way I'm going to do my therapy or die trying. Like a 50 cent type of thing.

Like the rapper?

Yeah, do you listen to him?

No, I don't really like rap. Your Daddy knows, Phil and I always liked Country, or Classic Rock. Sometimes showtunes. Dodo, liked fancy music, whatever the people downtown in the fancy clubs were listening at the moment, that's what she said she liked.

Man, we got the issues like tissues. Pulling em out of the box. Coming by it honest, at least.

Are you still afraid of fish?

Sometimes. And sharks. They live on the Cape and the Cape has sharks. Where I live has shit in the water and needles on the beach sometimes but they try to clean the beach up. But the sunrise and sunset is nice and moon on the water is reflective.

Do you go in the water?

All the time.

All the time?

All the time.