Metempsychosis, M.A. (7)

I have taught myself not to take such comments too personally, to mollify the fruitless anger. It happened many times before, and I developed a thin but effective immunity from these assaults. I remember quite a few instances when mother gave out about my 'ridiculous virginity' or my 'unfeminine and off-putting demeanour' or that I was as depraved as any next-door Austrian but hypocritically conceal it as if I were some bloody medieval saint; and before that about my 'perverse affection for shrubberies' and filling such beautiful loft with nothing but worthless pots including 'the filthiest idea she ever came across' - of the compost toilet producing manure to feed the roses and make them more fragrant. She knew saying something like that was unlikely to hurt me. Instead, it typically triggered self-questioning prompted by my inborn desire to find out if what she said had any merit. Was I unreasonable, vain, filthy, dissonant? My family hates me for this urge to know myself. They think it selfish and narcissistic, that I am consumed by my whims and caprices as if no one else in the whole world counted. But this could not be further from the truth. Some people are more invested in self-knowing than others. Some people regard it as their priority – to find out who they are and what is their purpose in life. I am one of these people, plain and simple, but the accusations of condescension that so often came from those closest to me always come as a surprise. It made me even question whether someone swapped children between the hospital cribs while my mother was unconscious with the fever... whether I belonged to someone entirely else... What other option was I left with but to hide from them, dig an even deeper hole and bury my tongue in it? Each time I expressed my curiosity, it immediately sent a wave of unrest among those around me. And yet, all I was doing was merely analyzing a fact of life – a life we suppose to share, not quarrel about or to compete for. To me, there is no division between reasoning and living, no dichotomy between the philosophy of life and the philosophy of reason. Take for instance bio-luminosity. When I sat there with my mother, the room was dark, the curtains were drawn, and I felt I was beginning to glow. My body was emitting a gentle, perceptually discernible light. My mother spoke with eyes closed so she wouldn't see it, but I knew, I saw it, I raised my hands to my eyes - they were undeniably radiant. The angler-fish with its luminescent fin ray serves to attract the prey, fireflies glow to attract mates, and for the blue and green light of jellyfish Aequorea Victoria the emitted light is means of communication. Indeed, just like with other organisms, my light was in essence a product of a mere chemical reaction – but the question was, a reaction to what? At least I try to understand it, whereas others would perhaps simply accept it as a given, or dismiss it as an illusion, mind and senses playing tricks against their poor judgment. Does my body release light when I am falsely accused of something, misrepresented, or coaxed into believing in blatant falsities, or does it produce the effect entirely in its own accord, independently of my prejudice, my opinion, my convictions or reactions to what is said? Is it a form of self-defense, self-affirmation, or self-deceit? Maybe it does it when it's entirely at peace with itself, when there is nothing left to add, to rectify, to fight for. Maybe it's just the way it is - a glowing body. Pity I have never witnessed it in others. It's a pity if not downright shame, my family never approved of my right to know, to inquire, to pursue a path that is as unusual as the experiences at hand. They would rather see me passively accepting such things or rejecting them as absurd. They sensed danger in digging for the truth, finding out things they would rather have buried deep in the sand. Anton clearly tried very hard to bury his shame deep enough so that no one ever goes back to what happened, especially me. For that, however, he would have to erase my memory, and my memory works quite well.

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