When I Agreed to Hang Out With Them at Lunch.

7th grade me had no idea that everything that comes after will impact me forever.

I shouldn't blame myself, because I didn't know better. All I ever wanted at that time were friends. Throughout my entire childhood, I was a lonely child. No one ever wanted to be friends with me. And when people did want to be friends with me, they would immediately find someone better. Someone that doesn't do the things that I do. I acted weird. I stim in front of them. They shame me for it. I talk about things that I like. They shamed me for it. I'm too happy. I'm too happy-go-lucky. So I stayed emotionless. I sat alone on the swings, wondering why no one wanted to interact with me. Am I scary to them? Is there... something wrong with me? I remember coming home every single day, wishing I wasn't lonely like this. Wishing I had friends, like everyone else. Wishing I was someone else. Someone better. Someone popular. Someone happier.

And when a girl asked me to hang out with them during lunch, I felt like I won the lottery. No one ever asked me to hang out with them before. Of course, I accepted, because all I ever wanted was to talk to someone. It was the first Christmas present that actually lasted forever. In my memories. But of course, I didn't know better. Back then, I didn't know a singular "Yes" would lead me to typing out this essay right now.

At first, it was wonderful. At first, I felt like I was finally accepted into this terrifying society. I mean, that was all I ever wanted, right?

Fast forwarding to April. Suddenly, her friend was about to "out" me for my sexuality. I panicked, of course. I didn't want anyone else to know. Even though I specifically told them to not tell anyone else... they did. They weren't so accepting about my sexuality in the first place. I felt pathetic for even telling them in the first place. I quickly stopped being friends with them---it was entirely an impulse decision. But it was only her friend, and my friend must be better, right?

Fast forward to summer. God. It. Was. The. Worst. I thought I had a supportive friend who would understand me. Or maybe she was and I got the wrong idea of her. When I was excited about something and I would go and tell her, she would respond with, "K...?" That immediately deflated my happiness. Hm, I thought to myself. Maybe she had a bad day. Just a bad day. It didn't stop there. She would constantly judge me for things I couldn't control. Next, she would pressure me to reveal information that I don't even want to share. And yet I felt pressured to answer just so she could be happy. She wants to know everything I'm doing, and she would even try to control my future as well. She wants it her way and her way only. She would also try to belittle people's feelings, making it seem like their feelings don't matter at all. Like her feelings were superior and others' were not. Not to mention, comparing her mental health to mines so it makes it seem like her mental health is worse.

I talk about my feelings? She would go, Well, at least you're not having severe panic attacks and having to constantly battle severe depression. And then I would feel guilty for sharing my feelings because it wouldn't matter anyway. Others dealt with worse.

Also, not to mention, I can't do my own things without "her" permission. As if she lived in a state above me and she really can't do anything about it. If I want to pursue my dream, nope. Cannot unless she approves.

Because of these constant events, I felt worthless. Drained. Exhausted. My problems don't even matter because others have dealt with worse. Thinking that the world would be better if I wasn't there. I feel like I'm overreacting, but it still affected me anyway. These events affected me years later, and it still does to this day. I will never view the world the same way again. I lose my trust in new friends. I isolate myself to avoid any further conflict. I bottle every single soul-crushing feeling from others so no one has to deal with me being a burden.

Which all started because of one single "Yes."

There are multiple details that I left out here because I want to keep this essay clean. Multiples that are actually important, but I'm leaving it out for the sake of the audience who are reading this. In case I trigger anyone.

It was a major tipping point in my life. It changed everything I saw in people forever, and I've practically convinced myself that every person is a bad person that will hurt me. And the only person who's responsible for fixing the damages that were left behind would be me. I'm responsible for letting it go, of course.

And if you were the friend reading this right now...

I don't exactly miss you.

I miss how you were before.