Roasting a Vampire
Me and my bright ideas. This fucker's looking at me the way a cop looks at a box of donuts. I better go full Bugs Bunny on this undead fuck if I want to get out of this without becoming a human Slurpee.
Me: I gotta ask Vlad, how do you keep your undead status a secret?
Vlad: Ahh good question. We vampires are creatures of shadow existing where mortals do not look. You mortals foolishly walk into our traps like the mindless cattle you are.
Me: That's not what I meant, Vlad. You Fucking smell like a dead cow bloating in the summer sun. Shit, I could smell you from a mile away. I would thing existing in the shadows only works when the shadow is showered and uses some deodorant. Geez, haven't you ever heard of deodorant? Gotta be hard surprising anyone smelling like that.
Vlad: YOU DARE INSULT ME? I am Nosferatu, the living dead! I will...
Me (shrugs): Yeah whatever. I now understand why you don't cast a reflection in the mirror. Anything as ugly as you would traumatize the mirror into catatonia. Who woulda thought Hollywood had it soooo wrong? Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise as vampires? Fuck! Danny DeVito is a male model compared to your pasty faced, beady eyed, Spock eared ass!
Vlad (slams hand down on table): I am done being polite. I was going to turn you so you could join me as a creature of the night. NOW YOU WILL SUFFER BEFORE YOU DIE!
Me (holding up a placating hand): Trust me, Drac, looking at you is torture enough. Where did you get your clothes? Bela Lugosi's garage sale? You know malls are open past sundown, right? Fuck, dust off the old credit card and upgrade your duds. I mean, your wardrobe screams 16th century male prostitute.
Vlad: Silence! NO ONE insults me!
Me: Geez! Defensive a little? Why're you so uptight? Oh, I bet I know. You probably haven't impaled a lady with Little Vlad since the Renaissance. Am I right? Or, maybe Little Vlad doesn't rise from the dead anymore? Not sure if the good folks at Pfizer thought about vamps when they came up with Viagra. Must be a bitch being a stiff that can't get a stiffy.
Vlad (standing up): Enough! Prepare to die!
Me (bluffing): I don't think so, tall, dreary, and ugly. Before I came here I ate a pizza with extra garlic, garlic bread, and washed it down with holy water. Biting me would be very bad for your health.
Vlad (surprise on his pasty face): How dare you! I agree to an interview.....
Me (standing): Only because you wanted to drain me you sick fucker! Dawn is just a minute away so, I'm outta here.
Vlad: (growling): If we ever meet again...
Me: IF we meet again, please shower first. Hey, you wanna be a real blood sucker, think about law school and becoming a divorce lawyer. Now, that's a blood sucker.