Saudade

I remember many things. I remember the first wild animal that got inside the house. I remember my brother spoiling the truth of Christmas magic over a game of Stunt Racer 4x4. Hell, I even remember the first time I lost a tooth.

But how do I miss if my family had stayed whole? How do I remember things that have never happened, like my parents salt-and-peppered among the crowd of my eldest brothers wedding? Or choosing baby clothes for their newest grandchild among the fleet (my father chooses a deep blue fleece that says something overtly masculine, whilst my mother chooses a gorgeous onesie.)

I think perhaps it's the culmination of memories. It's easy to imagine a world where my father raised us. Where he stayed. Where both my siblings liked each other enough to even say hello to the other at thanksgiving. In my culture, we have a world-- saudade. It means a longing for something you've never had.

God, do I feel saudade for a continuation to the story of my family.

What would I give to hear my fathers snores, and my brothers bickering over a multiplayer, and the love that once filled these halls...