Green Skin, Golden Heart

His skin was green. Green with yellow undertones and a strange slime that secreted from glands in his thick neck. He smelled of a dirty sock that had been stuffed to the brim with fermented garlic cloves and onions. But he was my slimy, smelly ogre. He was my Shrek.

At least, he was supposed to be. In my head, that's how it played out. He would confess his love to me and we'd retreat to his swamp to live together. I would spend my days picking his earwax and making crayons out of it for our six children that all took after him. I'd pick the crusts from between his sweaty sausage toes and feed it to the creatures in our swamp. In short, I'd be the perfect housewife. I'd wake up every day just to see his yellowed smile and smell his rancid breath. But nothing ever works out that way, does it?

Instead, she had to come alone. Peppa.

I didn't trust her from the start.

...

"Shrek!" I called, riding my horse into his swamp. Well, actually, it wasn't a horse. It was a rabid villager. Steering was difficult, but he was surprisingly fast. As long as you don't mind being in the splash zone of mouth foam and the occasional biting, it's quite convenient transportation.

"What did I tell you about coming into me swamp! Stay! Away!" my precious ogre barked from inside his shack. I blushed at his sleepy voice, I had clearly woken him up. But, nonetheless, this is important and I can't let his dominant alpha side scare me off.

"It's important, Shrekky-Boo-Boo! Please, uwu!" I cried, tugging on the matted hair of my villager to keep him from running into the mud.

"I told you not to call me that!" he roared. I could hear Shrek fumbling to get dressed from outside. My cheeks flushed even further at that thought.

He stumbled out of the shack and I had to remind myself to keep my composure. He hadn't bothered to put a shirt on. His green potbelly glistened in the early morning sun and I noticed a new zit on his upper chest. He might need someone to pop it for him... No! I won't let myself get distracted by those seductive thoughts. This is important, gosh darn it!

"Now what is it, woman?!" Shrekky-Boo-Boo demanded.

"Master Jar Jar has another mission for us," I didn't trust myself to look into his bulging eyes with swooning. Master Jar Jar Binks hired Shrek and I to do some jobs for him. This time, we were to investigate a suspicious character who was new to our lands. A girl by the name of Peppa Pig.

Shrek's eyes widened. "How big of a mission is it?"

"It'll take us at least a week, I'd say?" I'm so excited to spend a whole week with Shrek!

"I see. Well, you stay here, I've got to go grab some things. Unless... you'd like to come in?" he grinned, yellow, chipped teeth flashing and a rancid odor emitting from his wide mouth.

"O-of course!" I cursed myself silently for answering so eagerly. Play it cool!

I tied my villager, Horsie, to one of the dying trees in Shrek's swamp and prepared to follow him inside.

"Ohh, well too bad! You can't!" Shrek laughed. Awkwardly, I joined in. I should've known. His shack is like a palace, why would someone like me be invited in?

As he walked away, the putrid smell that surrounded him faded. I clung to the remnants of it, sniffing the air for just a whiff of that irresistible ogre. Today, he smelled of an old milk jug that had expired and been rubbed with greasy shrimp. Gosh, could he get any better? It's as if the world just wants to rub in my face how much I want him and how much I can never have him.

...

"Peppa Pig, you say? Where have I heard that name before?" Shrek pondered as we walked to her village. I left Horsie in Shrek's swamp with enough chicken skin and cartilage to last him a week. It's all he'll eat. He reminds me of myself in that way.

"She used to run that fairy dust cartel, the one Jar Jar got us to shut down a couple months ago," I tell him, picking at the petals of a flower I found.

"Oh! That Peppa. Remind me, human, has she seen us before?" Shrek scratched at his steamy butt crack. It took all my strength to resist taking a whiff of his finger when he stopped.

"No, she ran off with her boyfriend, Harry Styles, as soon as things started to get bad. She knows that Jar Jar ordered the strike, though." As I was talking, Shrek dug around in his ear, moaning as he scratched.

"Oh," Shrek said, munching on something that could only be either a booger or some of his ear crust.Why it made a disturbing crunching noise, however, is not a question I know how to answer. Maybe it was a tooth.

The rest of the trek to the village was an uncomfortable silence filled with Shrek's burps and farts. I yearned to make some sort of conversation with him, but I no idea how to find topics that could engage such a powerful being as him.

...

Finally, after hours of walking, we decided to take a rest. It was getting dark and we still could not see the village ahead in the horizon. Currently, we were in one of the many meadows in this land. Shrek had found some usable firewood and I had scrounged some colorful berries.

As we sat across the crackling fire, I watched him eat. Red berry dribbled down the side of his mouth, but he didn't bother to wipe it.

It was then that I decided to make my move. I walked over to Shrek and plopped down next to him. He was considerably taller than me, which made this slightly difficult, but I'd make it work.

"Hm?" he hummed in confusion, still gobbling down the berries I had found. I finished my share already.

Finally, after hours of walking, we decided to take a rest. It was getting dark and we still could not see the village ahead in the horizon. Currently, we were in one of the many meadows in this land. Shrek had found some usable firewood and I had scrounged some colorful berries. Flies buzzing around him formed a song just for us.

I moved closer and licked the berry juice from the side of his mouth. His face tasted salty and his skin was as rough as sandpaper, but that doesn't matter to me. Shrek moved to put a giant hand on my lower back. I pulled away after a moment.

"Are you... okay with that?" I asked him shyly.

"Well we need some way to pass the time, right? And we might as well be romantic before the diarrhea kicks in, eh?" Shrek grins. My eyes widen.

"The... what?"

"The diarrhea! You know, don'tcha? These are poisonous berries! They really burn when ya pass em!" He barked a laugh.

"Oh..." I trail off. Why did he eat so many?! Why would he eat any if he knew they were poisonous?! However... him being so mysterious... I find it very attractive.

That night, Shrek and I grew a lot closer. By that, I mean that he held my hand as we screamed together from the explosive diarrhea the berries caused. Luckily, I had enough time to pull my pants down, as did Shrek.

...

The next morning, Shrek and I woke up yards away from the remains of the fire. It makes sense, we had our little accidents over there. I smile, remembering how he held my hand during it all. Not many men would do that, let alone ogres.

But then I remember. He didn't say that he enjoyed what I did. When I licked his face, he said that we needed a way to pass time. Is that all I am? Just a fun little distraction? I really can't tell where I stand with him. One moment he's telling me I'm a distraction, the next he's having explosive diarrhea with me. Pick a lane!

He yawned as he rose from the dewy grass, a foul, obscene smell emanating from his gaping mouth.

I said nothing to him as we continued our journey, afraid of what he would say back. He said nothing to me as well.

We were almost at the village when disaster struck. From behind giant rocks, Peppa Pig and Harry Styles jumped out!

"So, ol' Jar Jar thought he could screw me over twice, eh?" Peppa growled. Harry put a hand on her shoulder and softly whispered "Daddy chill!" Despite the fact that she was two and half feet shorter than him.

"Back off Peppa. You don't want this to get violent," Shrek warned, his voice a dangerous rasp.

"Oh I don't? Well, tell that to my army!" Peppa laughed. At that moment, a myriad of minions, all led by Vector and Gru popped out of the ground!

"What do you want, Peppa?" I begged.

"I want him. I want your little boyfriend. Shrek," Peppa stared me down.

"Why? What did I ever do to you?" I cried.

"You took down my cartel! Dozens of the children that worked there are now out of jobs and can't afford their vapes anymore! Kids are just dropping like flies!" Peppa screamed. Harry looked sad. Very sad.

"You can't! We'll fight you! We'll fight you and we'll win!" I readied my flimsy weapons.

"Fine. I'll do it." Shrek said and took a step away from me. My heart shattered.

This leads me to where I am now.

...

Shrek had ignored my cries and walked away with Peppa and Harry. I was left there, standing all alone, hoping desperately that he would turn around and run back to me.

But I can't just wait for that to happen. I have to save my green skinned, golden-hearted man myself!

...

It was nighttime when I reached the village. I could spy Peppa's mansion from the entrance. It was dookie brown and had an enormous statue of her and Harry. I could see construction for a Shrek statue had begun as well. Not on my watch!

I climbed the walls and peered into the windows. I could see Shrek feeding Peppa grapes. He looked... happy. Am I doing the wrong thing? Maybe he really does like Peppa. Maybe he's happier here... without me.

No! I can't leave him behind just because I'm scared! Peppa is the enemy and that is that!

From the window, I tossed berries from my pocket into the grape bowl. Colorful berries.

The berries worked incredibly quickly. Dia began spewing from Peppa's butt like water from a hose.

Now that they were distracted, I had to find Harry. Quickly.

I let myself into the mansion from the unlocked front door and sprinted through. I wasn't sure where to look, but I heard a sobbing noise and followed it upstairs. I turned left and found the source of the crying. Harry was flopped on his bed, gasping for breath through tears. I noticed that his walls were covered in posters of pigs and boy bands.

"Harry?"

"How could she?" he sniffled, looking at me. "How could she replace me with... with him?!" he sobbed.

"Listen, buddy, lil' guy, I need you to help me. You'll get Peppa back if you do," I stroked his hair.

"I-I'll get Peppa back?" he asked in a nasal voice.

"Mhm. But I need you to tell me what she did to Shrek. And how I can reverse it. Can you do it, lil' guy?"

"It's a curse! It can only be broken with true love's-" Harry cut off.

In the doorway stood him, seething. Shrek.

He through a candle holder at Harry's head, which knocked him out. I winced. That's going to leave a bump.

"Shrekky-Boo-Boo, this isn't you!" I pleaded. He grunted and knocked Harry's stuff out the way as he stomped toward me.

True love's what? True love's what? What breaks the curse?

Shrek picked me up by the neck. His eyes were foggy.

I knew what I had to do. I don't know how I knew, but I knew I had to do it.

At that moment, I let out the loudest, wettiest, juiciest, bubbliest, crusty, musty, dusty, rusty fart there ever was. The whole mansion was blown away and a ringing echoed in my ear as we stood in the rubble of it. Villagers wondered if it was a hurricane or an earthquake. No. It was love.

The fog in his eyes cleared and he pulled me close and kissed me. His lips were sloppy and surprisingly frog-like.

"I love you, Shrekky-Boo-Boo!" I confessed.

"I love you too."