CHONKY

It's not like I'm head over heels in love with my body now. I just see it as itself. I see all the squishy bits and think how fluffy it all is. All soft and warm and jiggly. I think the dissociation helped. There was a period of time where I was sort of not here to a severe level. Course, I might be wrong about the term I use to call it but my definition is mine to place in the end. My body used to look so alien to me. I'd look in the mirror and my face and skin would warp. Not too hard, just gently, gently, little blurs of "that doesn't look like me" or "why does it look so different from yesterday". Still happens once in a while, not that it matters really. I've been fat for quite a bit of my life. For me, personally, it's a mix of genetics, a deeply adoring love of food and a lack of interest in exercise. And I dunno. After so many years of telling myself bullshit and hating myself for being the jiggly giantess I am... Why bother anymore? Why do things any way I think others prefer? The shit people have done to me in my life... My own family, sef. Why bother about their opinions at all? Don't get me wrong. I get those rushes of "your body's not good enough" once in a while. There was recently a week where my roommate, friend, father, mother and brother made different random comments about weight-related shit and it all kept drilling into me I suppose. "You're a hundred kg? No, you're not". "I'd never want a big tummy, that's embarrassing". "What's your weight, daughter?" while walking down the stairs to eat dinner. I tried the whole eating disorder thing. And luckily, it didn't stick, as disappointed as that little fourteen year old child was that she was incapable of losing weight the "quicker" ways. I've seen the steps it takes to get rid of fat. Eat so and so foods. Intermittent fasting. Cut so and so out of your diet. Excercise, excercise, excercise. In my opinion, some people who lose weight are happier for it. And some are miserable. Some people spend years cutting down and being careful and skipping pizza and icecream to match the standards of society today. Personally, I don't see a problem with my size in itself. Like Lizzo I can move around.. Well not as amazingly but yeah, I can carry myself like everyone else. Me having a soft, protuding tum is just... Normal. It's easy to feel like a weird outsider when you're fat but.. I'm not. There's millions of us. Myb billions, it doesn't matter either way. Different sizes and shapes and soft <3 beauty standards do what they've always done and tear people down. I simply chose to keep myself afloat. I lost like... 25 kg once. I went to university and was severely depressed for six months. People praised me. You look so good. See the problem? And I get it. I do. Sometimes the urge to be thin still comes. They want you to have a big chest, big hips and small stomach as a woman. At least that's the standard now... Once, it was thigh gaps. In some countries they still chase that, actually. Truth is... It's not real. Doesn't exist. It's never been about health. It's about appearance for most weight loss crazes. Society's obsessive streak of making everyone feel out of control. I don't subscribe to it. I don't even know what I just typed, it's all gone. I don't think I feel serious about anything anymore. I used to push myself so hard as a child to be my idea of "perfect" based on what I'd seen. Slim and brilliant and excessively polite. An extrovert with enough friends to be "normal". But I'm not that. Some people are. Cool. I'm not that. I'm me. I've got a big, soft tum that's... Nice, actually. Protruding, yes, but does nothing to me except cushion me and sit there, causing zero harm. Unlike when I tried to carve the word FAT into it with a compass as if that word is some sort of horrific insult that would stain my soul forever. Fat is just a thing that I am. A concept that exists. It's not even real, really. Some animals are fat by nature like... Fuck, I dunno... Seals? Hippos? Depending on ur definition of fat but yeah?? And some are... Simply not. Everything has its options in nature. And if it doesn't exist there, the mind is capable of imagining and creating whatever you wish. It would be boring and stupid if we all looked the same. Besides, I've found tons of fat people attractive, larger and smaller than me both and I'm just as human as they are. So...this was long. And I didn't want to paragraph anything because I wanted to let go of control and also let this shit be CHONKY. Like I said... I'm not serious rn, just wanna goof off.. If anyone reads this, vibes. If not... Can't blame ya either ;)

And scene. Bye boo~