Nothing For Free

I stood staring at the type on the rectangle in my hands that, as I had been told, was the reward I was due for my creation. As I studied it and held it in my hands I expected to feel the exhilaration of victory. I could hear the words that everyone was bound to say in m mind, "Well done!" "You've finally made it!". But as I listened to those encouraging voices I felt neither validation nor happiness. I couldn't understand it at the time, but I felt nothing.

I don't want you, dear reader, to think I'm ungrateful to the publisher and my agent. But, as I walked home with the check in my pocket I realized what was bothering me. The whole business felt so transactional. So sterile and businesslike. I could remember, vividly, the feeling of joy I had as I poured my thoughts, dreams, and feeling onto the page. I could see the silhouettes of my characters interacting, speaking, and moving in a world I made. The money made me feel as though I'd sold them and their world.

I made it home after taking the long route. I pushed open the door, my mind still heavy with that strange feeling of guilt, and in an instant that feeling melted away. Standing on the threshold of the doorway I saw first my daughter, Ellie, only eight years old looking up at me. Behind her was everyone in the world that I loved. I pressed forward and embraced them, forgetting completely the woes that seemed so heavy only a moment before.

We didn't talk of money or fame or sequels. We told our own stories from our own lives. As I listened to them I realized how foolish I had been. I felt as though I'd betrayed myself and my art for money. But I was wrong. The money was incidental. I didn't really need it. Everything I needed was right here with me. Not only that, but I was able to share the world and people I created in my mind with thousands, maybe millions of other people who could enjoy them too. And maybe to some lonely soul somewhere in the world, my characters, my world, the thoughts and emotions I poured onto the pages would bring them some comfort. We all need a family of one kind or another.

Then I went out and bought a new car.