Born Again Heathen

The concepts of spirituality, faith, religion and the possibility that the universe was thrown together by some omniscient and omnipotent being has never sat well with me. My early exposure to, "Christianity" led me to the opinion that these worshipers of "God" were a few pews short of a chapel and therefore more than a little dangerous. I was told by my mom and her in-laws that God, Satan, angels, and demons were about to fight some final battle for the souls of all humanity and control of all creation. Even to 10 year old me this holy war seemed more farcical than the hilarious havoc inducing physics seen in Looney Toons cartoons. I could believe that a narcissistic duck can survive a shotgun blast to the face or a coyote can fall off a cliff and suffer only an embarrassing accordioning of the body before I could accept that a rapture and spiritual war were going to happen.

Even into adulthood I couldn't wrap my two abnormal, shouldn't have made it beyond quality control brain cells, around all things religious or spiritual. My mom, being one of the, "Believers" talked me into doing some research and then reading the Bible. She quickly regretted it because I immediately started to fire uncomfortable questions at her like, "How can we be sure that the King James version of the Bible wasn't politically manipulated and changed to the King's liking and the benefit of his position?" Knowing that some religions get their cassocks and habits all tied in a knot over homosexuality, I also asked, "Did you know that they are fairly sure that King James, the sponsor of the Bible translation named after him, was gay?"

After reading the Bible cover to cover my questions continued, "If God is a God of peace, love, and forgiveness, why did he smiteth so much? For example, the Big Guy in the Sky wiped out Sodom and Gomorrah which I am guessing included not so sinful children. Later JC's dad washed the wicked right out of his hair with the great flood, leaving only Noah and his incestuous family to float around and over the bodies of their neighbors in the ark. Finally, God got really mean and told the GPS deprived Israelites to wipe out (aka commit genocide against) those inconveniently already residing in the promised land." Her answers were vague like most questions that seek to make sense of religion. My personal favorite, "The birth of Jesus changed all that!"

My next question always made her blood pressure (already high because of a two pack a day smoking habit) rise beyond safe parameters. That question, "If Jesus changed things, then why is it said that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. If Jesus changed things and made God a little less murdery and genocidy, then God isn't really the same yesterday, today, and forever. Of course, the non-Christian-types were happy with the change in the Judeo-Christian God because he suddenly stopped randomly smiting entire cities and cultures!" It wasn't long before our religious arguments got repetitive and it was suggested that I just might be a heathen. Realizing she was fighting a war of attrition, my mom capitulated and stopped encouraging me to explore religion and Christianity.

So, for a long time after that I waxed nostalgic about the good old days when the Romans fed Christians to the lions. It was all in good fun and I felt that the practice needed to be revived. So, how did I have that one, "Spiritual, life changing moment?"

I rethought faith when I was about to become a father for the first time. I could not fathom how a series of random events happening over the span of billions of years could lead to a process where two cells connect and the end result is a brand-new little human. It was equally perplexing that one could fall instantly in love with that wrinkly, Ed Asner- looking looking little life that would cost a fortune to raise to the age of, "That's so unfair! I hate you dad!"

I also pondered how just one planet in this trailer park of a solar system could support life so perfectly. For example, bees need the nectar of flowers to produce honey. The flowers need to be pollinated to create future flowers. This perfectly reciprocal relationship just doesn't seem random or the end result of evolution's slow push towards creating a mutually beneficial relationship between bee and flower.

I also believe that whatever has created order and life in the universe has a sense of humor. For example, the duck billed platypus is an egg laying, mammal with a duck beak, and the male of the species is poisonous! It flies in the face of logic in a strangely understandable way.

There are also constants in the universe that seem to be too permanent, too ordered to be a random occurrence resulting from yet even more randomness. For example, the laws of physics are constant as are the laws of mathematics. Another universal constant to be found is the T:P ratio. This is the constant mathematical relationship where the more lifted, loud, and totally impractical a truck is, the greater the likelihood the owner has a penis the size of a thumb tack.

So, I have found faith of a sort and I no longer feel that all Christians should become lion chow. In my opinion, the universe is too ordered and the relationships that exist in nature are too perfectly balanced that there has to be a force that guides it all. I'm not saying that the creator is the Judeo-Christian God, Allah, Vishnu, Odin, Zeus, or whatever the fuck Scientologists believe. What I am saying is that creation is bigger than me and beyond my brain's modest ability to comprehend. So, I have faith that humanity is generally good. Kindness matters. You should use your turn signal. Don't judge others. If someone is hurting, offer help. Never stop learning. War rarely solves anything. Love is love. Black lives matter. Respect the land or give it back to the Indigenous people who were here first. Don't drink the water in Tijuana. Women are the future and they will do a much better job than us phallicly stupid men. Finally, those subject to the T:P ratio should be gently told that they aren't fooling anyone. One look at their truck tells everyone that their penis has more in common with a grain of rice than it does a python.