Rodney vs the Trolls/Haters: Round 61

Skype, perhaps the crappiest abomination of a video conference platform around. Rodney was using it in 2022, his fellow users insisted. It all started with a single discord message from the man himself.

ToadMan401: The aliens have arrived! This is not a drill! I repeat the aliens have arrived!

Within the last two years he'd typed this exact same message to chat. From the moment he joined it, he was trapped in a hopeless game of manipulative tomfoolery. Every single person revolved around his presence from that click forward. They'd archive his every post, screenshot every unique feature of his house from livestreams, and discuss his every online discussion he'd record for everyone in the world to see. When Rodney said the world, he meant it, so did his loyal followers. Despite opposing aims, they met in symbiosis. Whatever gained them more attention helped the viewers and Rodney, at least in his own mind.

The more status updates on alien sightings, the better. That was Rodney's formula. It's about as close to a formula he'd get as most of his ramblings were borderline incoherent. There was many a debate whether his ideas would make the worst or best science fiction book in existence. In a better timeline, the man could've been an author or comic book artist, whose creations would be memed to oblivion on the internet. Alas, this was only a part of the reality, Rodney himself had become a meme, but he never had much luck capitalizing on it. Instead, much of his fate was guided by the shady group calls. This one was no exception.

The link posters wanted his feed to be extra blurry with a slow frame rate. It would allow anyone to make out the 'aliens' within the blocky pixels and showcase it to the discord as evidence. Rodney would eat it up as always, proclaiming the discoveries as ground breaking and posting them in his ever growing record of sightings. That's how the routine played out. This time around was different, if not more of the same the more one thought about it.

As usual, Rodney and several other trolls joined the call. Rodney's blurry pale face came into view. No one else streamed video other than himself. The others hid behind absurd profile pics, most either of lewd anime girls or giantess vore fanart. The speakers of note are SteveXD, ChooChooGordan, and Jthedragonmaster. Two of them were Rodney's neighbors and he hadn't figured this out yet.

"Show me the aliens Rodster. I want to see those sexy cat people." said SteveXD.

"They aren't cat people!" said Rodney, his voice warbled in the cheap microphone.

Off camera stood the aliens. They were indeed aliens. Not "aliens", but aliens; beings from another part of space, the leader of the troupe said they were from another entire dimension.

"They're not cat people? You told me that these guys are cat people. Your disappointing me here. I came here to see cat people, and cat people are what I'm gonna get," said SteveXD.

"Well your out of luck buddy," said Rodney.

"Are they still sexy?" asked ChooChooGordan.

"They're about two feet tall and have shrew like features."

"Shrew like features? That's not sexy! Come on Rodney, we need something sexy," said SteveXD.

"Do you want to see them or not?" fumed Rodney.

"Not if they aren't sexy."

"They could be sexy, your too quick to judge."

"I think I saw one," said ChooChooGordan.

"No you didn't," said Rodney.

"Uh huh yes I did. I saw something move behind you in the kitchen. It looked like a cat woman with big tits."

"You didn't see nothing!"

"Come on Rodney, just confess, you've seen these beauties, but you aren't going to show them to us. You're keeping them all to yourself."

"Bullshit!"

"Hey, no reason to get angry, where all bros here, we get it. You are drowning in extraterrestrial pussy right now, and you don't want us ruining your moment of glory."

Rodney didn't retort to this. Instead he looked behind him to the several aliens off screen.

"Should we just show ourselves?" one of them asked.

Rodney shook his head. He turned back to his computer.

"Can you guys give me a minute?" he asked.

"You want some private time slapping those alien cheeks?" asked ChooChooGordan.

"Sure."

Rodney muted his video and audio, turning back to the aliens.

"Can you guys stand on top of each other and wear like...a long form fitting dress?" he asked them.

"What?" asked Worgot, the troupe leader.

"These guys. I need to show them I've got a cat lady alien lover. They're not getting off my back until I do."

"I think they're just pulling your leg."

"That may seem to be the case, but don't be fooled. These guys are crafty motherfuckers. They come off like they're joking around, but it's more than a joke. I have to read between the lines with these guys twenty four seven. What these guys really think is that I'm a virgin, which I'm not, and their disguising this suspicion though jokes that seem harmless on the surface. They think their laughing behind my back. Wait till they see that I'm not fooled."

Rodney looked around his living room. Roached boxes and piles of clothes lay strewn everywhere. He swung off his computer seat, bent over, and rummaged around in a nearby pile.

"If you show us on camera, I bet they'll forget about teasing you," said Worgot.

Rodney turned to him and sighed.

"Ahh, I wish that were the case, but they've seen captured enough alien evidence from previous streams. I can't imagine they'd be that surprised seeing yet another ET. I need to give them what they came for. If its a sexy cat lady alien they want, that's what they'll get," said Rodney.

He threw an armload of clothes towards the aliens. They caught each article is disjointed confusion.

"I saw you guys stand on eachothers shoulders earlier. How high can you go?" he asked.

Worgot had an alien stand on his shoulders and another climb onto the second one. Their combined heights almost matched Rodney's.

"She's just a little shorter than me. That's perfect," said Rodney.

He picked up a long dress and dropped it over them. Taking a wide brimmed straw hat, he put it on the top aliens head.

"None of you can grow instantaneous fur, or tails by any chance?" asked Rodney.

The top alien shook his head.

"Rats! We'll have to just make do with what we have," said Rodney.

He put a finger between his lips.

"Don't say what species you are. The cat alien species is digamorphus. If they ask, that's the answer," he said.

Rodney unmuted the video and audio.

"You guys always want to poke into my business. You got me. I've got a new ET girlfriend hanging around and here she is behind me," he said to chat.

The aliens behind him stood silent in their costume and waved to the camera.

"That's the sexy cat lady? She don't look too sexy to me," said ChooChooGordan.

"Well sorry we have disagreeing tastes," fumed Rodney.

"What's that supposed to be? A tall gremlin?" asked SteveXD.

"She's my new girlfriend. She's from the planet Zenda, and her name is 2345857D," Rodney fumed again.

"Did you ex Stacy decide to come over for a visit?"

"This is not Stacy in disguise. This is a new girl with no connections to her."

"Sure thing buddy."

"Who did you get with this time then? An old homeless lady?" asked ChooChooGordan.

"No! I'm dating a sexy alien cat lady female!" raged Rodney.

"I think you've got your ET identification wrong, she looks more like a blue avian."

"Speak!" shouted SteveXD.

All this time. The three aliens stood in front of the camera, silent and stiff. They looked like a diseased figure, ready to crumple at any moment. As their arms were too short, Worgot, on the fly, found two backscratchers shaped like hands and slipped them through the dress sleeves to look like arms. These stickly appendages waved at the camera. The figure let out a cartoonish high pitched hello before going silent again.

"That doesn't sound like Stacy. Who's with you, the next door kid nieghbor?" asked SteveXD.

"I sure as heck hope not," said ChooChooGordan, who was the neighbor's father.

"I told you already. This is 2345857D. We've been together for three weeks. You guys just can't admit I've found a cute alien girl, because you goobers have to stick with regular human women and their regular ass pussies. Space cats can cause orgasms that last for more than three minutes, and they stay at peak sexy physique for their full lifespans," said Rodney.

"Maybe you should shut your mouth and let your girl talk," said SteveXD.

"Alright, I'll let 2345857D take over," said Rodney.

The three aliens made a slow advance to the camera. They almost fell a few times, but kept their balance.

"Hi I'm 23..3..46..45857D from planet Zenda," said the top alien.

Even in the blurry camera, his strange alien features could be seen behind the hat.

"23 what? You can't even spell out your own name. I call bullshit," said ChooChooGordan.

"I'll give you credit Rodney. Whomever is under all that, you knew how to make it took pretty cool, or at least hired someone who did," said SteveXD.

"I'm the real deal," said the top alien pulling on the skin of his face.

"You sure are. Rodney my man, if you did this, you're going places. People would pay real money in showbiz with these talents," said SteveXD.

Without warning, a few mutterings came from Worgot and traveled up the alien ladder. The top alien leaned forward and tapped the touch screen computer with his nose. The audio was remuted.

"Just get us out of this thing and show us to them dammit!" hissed Worgot.

"No! They need to think I'm dating an alien," said Rodney.

"They aren't buying it!"

"Tell them you're dating one of us!" said the top alien.

"Your guys are not tall sexy cat ladies. It won't work," protested Rodney.

While Rodney's audio was muted, the laughter from live chat crackled around the room. The entire gang was captured in enwarped laughs. All the noise lurched forward in scattered bit audio.

"Ooo! He's contemplating his next move," teased ChooChooGordan.

This is when Jthedragonmaster came in. His avatar was of the kazoo kid, and he did the first thing anyone expected him to do. A plastic dollar store kazoo wheezed into Rodney's living room. It didn't take a trained ear know its appearance. Rodney had stated how much a hated kazoos in discord five months prior. Now they haunted every stream. When Rodney made any attempt to mute his audio, the other members would bring out their own prized instruments and take over Jthedragonmasters masterful concerto. The few times this third wheel spoke, it was clear he wasn't beyond the age of fourteen. While he refused to tell the others his real age, no one bought his claims of being in college. They liked to clown on him because of this. This was one of those days.

"Shut up, your being annoying," said ChooChooGordan.

"Yeah, go back to playing roblox you tween!" yelled SteveXD.

"Go back to watching fuckin skibidi toilet!"

Despite their protests, Jthedragonmaster didn't back down. He continued to blow on the kazoo, trying a tortorous rendition of hot cross buns, or perhaps the skibidi toilet song, no one could really tell. Rodney groaned. His thin hands pressed hard against his ears. Soon the sound for him became unbearable. He grabbed his noise cancelling headset and put it on. The quickest solution would've been to mute all steam audio, but Rodney learned the hard way that this was a bad idea. From his first and last attempt to do this, a virus savvy discord user would send him links to alien photographs that installed music playing programs on his computer. Until he sent someone in to get it fixed, the dreadful kazoo would be screeching on his computer whenever he turned it on.

"Fuck this! We're getting out of this costume!" said the top alien.

"I can't hear you!" yelled Rodney.

"I said...we're getting out of this costume!" repeated the top alien, mouthing each word so that Rodney could understand.

He seemed to pick up on it the second time as he waved his hands and lurched forward to the aliens.

"No! No! This isn't the right time." he said.

"Uh oh, looks like their already getting into an argument. How long do you think this couple will last boys? Four hours?" said ChooChooGordan.

"I say two more days," said SteveXD.

"Bullshit!"

"Yeah Bullshit!" said Jthedragonslayer, pausing on his kazoo before erupting into full song again.

"I told you to shut up!" said ChooChooGordan to Jthedragonslayer.

No more words were exchanged between them. By now Rodney had grabbed the aliens and pulled them off screen. The others took imeadiate notice.

"Oh my gosh, they're having a fight. Rodney's a domestic abuser everyone. He's having a wrestling match with his new girlfriend. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" said ChooChooGordan.

SteveXD joined the chant. Jthedragonslayer kazooed along to the chants beat. Off screen, Rodney and the aliens wrestled each other on the crusty carpet. The entire room was filled with a cacophony of yelling, chanting, and insufferable buzzing. Despite this Rodney had to accept defeat. The aliens he'd pinned underneath him were trying to talk, but he couldn't make out what they were saying over all the chaos. He ripped the headphones off.

"The world needs to know we exist!" yelled Worgot.

"Not now!" yelled Rodney.

"Give me the computer!"

"No!"

With one hand on the aliens, the other on the computer keyboard, Rodney exited the chat. He slapped the laptop screen down, picked it up, and tossed it out the nearby window into the bushes. This was an impressive feat considering he was in a bear crawl position this entire time. A few seconds later the phone rang. Rodney pushed himself from the ground and picked it up.

"Hello?" he said.

A loud obnoxious kazoo rang out from the other end.

"I'm done with you guys today, so done," he fumed.

Rodney slammed the phone down and slumped in his easy chair.

"What are we going to do now?" asked Worgot.

"Try again later." grumbled Rodney.