Aunt Maud

When you're a woman, there's three things you need to bring to Thanksgiving: an engagement ring, a low body weight, and a good career resume. That's it! If you have all three, you will avoid Aunt Maud. If not, she will find you and access the damage.

Damage? If there's no ring, who betrayed you? Because, in order to not have a ring, you obviously *tried*. Right?

Pick your adventure:

You don't have an engagement ring.

Aunt Maud asks:

What happened? I thought you had a boyfriend. (She doesn't actually know if you did, she's phishing for information.)

You: Don't have a boyfriend.

Your adventure: "Aunt Maud, we've talked about this. I don't have a boyfriend because it's SO hard to find someone these days."

This is accurate, true, and true to who you are WITHOUT compromising your integrity.

You: win.

Your adventure, take two: You HAVE a boyfriend.

"Aunt Maud, we've talked about this. I have a boyfriend, but we only met two years ago, and it's going really well. We'll get engaged eventually."

DING DING DING

Aunt Maud walks away, you've won this round!

Pick your adventure: You're underweight / average weight / overweight

Underweight: "Aunt Maud, thank you for your concern. I don't feel the need to explain my weight to a relative I see once a year, but thank you for expressing yourself."

DING DING DING she walks away!

Average weight: "Aunt Maud, I noticed you didn't ask me about my weight this year. Is everything ok?"

Just kidding. Aunt Maud didn't ask you anything because of your average weight. You adventure continues below at "career resume."

Overweight: "Aunt Maud, thank you for your concern. I don't feel the need to explain my weight to a relative I see once a year, but thank you for expressing yourself."

Only one DING, because Aunt Maud walks away, but you didn't adequately diminish yourself. She's not impressed. But YOU are. So take the win.

Here's the Career Resume portion of our program:

Aunt Maud asks, "What are you doing these days for work?"

Read: Innocent question, potential for horrible, judgemental outcome.

"Aunt Maud, thank you for asking. I'm Apple's newest CEO."

No other explanation is necessary. You don't need details, backup, anything. You can successfully walk away. Congratulations, now go buy some stock and get some stuffing.

"Aunt Maud, thank you for asking. I'm between opportunities."

Sirens. Aunt Maud takes a swig of her wine. She is "dying" to know why.

"Aunt Maud, I am exploring my options and would like some space to do so, and in time, I will have a job offer."

More swigging of wine. She is DYING to know what you're hiding.

And that's the point of Thanksgiving, isn't it?

What are you relatives hiding?

Will Aunt Maud discover who you REALLY are?