The Secret Room Up the Secret Stairs Behind the Secret Door Behind the Crowded Bar.

Have you ever wondered why some restaurant kitchen doors don't have windows?

If you've never worked for minimum wage you might think along the lines of,

"So the peasantry doesn't bother us with their damned problems."

If you've ever worked in customer service you might say something like,

"I can barely afford to eat beans because of the capitalist hellscape our grandparents created, I ain't thinking about windows."

While these answer are fine they fail to question the absurdity of circular submarine looking windows in above-water establishments in the first place. Would it not be more sensible for all restaurant kitchen doors to be windowless?

Well now we're overlooking the most important aspect of restaurant kitchen doors, the handles. You see the strange window shapes and occasional widowlessness of restaurant kitchen doors is all a distraction from the real secret.

Now that you're no longer befuddled by the windows you may notice that restaurant kitchen doors have a great variety in doorknob shapes and sizes. Most notably some doors don't have doorknobs at all!

What I am about to tell you cannot be repeated to any person outside of yourself, also try not to mention it around cats.

Those knobless restaurant kitchen doors are all the same door. every appearance of The Door across the world is a complex quantum entanglement of one door to millions of locations.

The Door can only truly be opened by inserting a doorknob made of oakwood at about chest level. Once opened The Door will not show a restaurant kitchen as some fools may expect, but a winding staircase sandwiched by brick walls. If you stick some gum to the wall and come back you'll find that it's the same walls each time.

Side note, please don't scrape my gum off the wall i'm saving it for later.

Once up the stairs you'll come across a slightly less important door, this one doesn't require a special handle because it's not special. In fact the only unusual thing about this door is that once you close it behind you it will disappear.

And then you'll be in The Room, remember not to be rude to The Room or it may eject you. The Room also happens to be greatly allergic to cats, so you may want to wash your clothes before beginning your journey.

Every month The Room is host to the Illuminati's Secret Bookclub TM. Where they discuss how best to dispose of their ghostwriters and where next to implement weird submarine windows above-ground. I would suggest waiting until after the Bookclub ends to go to The Room.

Only after the Illuminati's Secret Bookclub TM exits The Room will our meeting begin.

Welcome to The Ghostwriters Union, it's good to have you.