A sweet sorrow

When you said you felt unloved by me, it cut me to the quick. Because I loved you with my whole heart, with every inch of my being. I had no idea you felt that way. I thought you knew. I thought it was clear in every action, in every word, in every glance.

But loving you was not the same as making you feel loved.

When I spent hours talking, telling you about the details of my day, I thought I was entertaining you, I thought I was sharing my life with you. I never realised that when I forgot to ask about how you were, it made you feel I didn't care.

I thought my life advice was helpful and constructive, pointing out the places you could improve. I was devastated to hear it made you feel like you were never good enough, that my love for you was somehow conditional.

When you were down, I always tried to cheer you up, to tell you, 'things could be worse'. I didn't know how that invalidated your feelings, how it made you feel guilty for even having them.

I am sorry I made you feel lonely in my company. I didn't know better then. But I do now.

You have given me a gift - a map to understand you and make you feel loved.

So now it's up to me.

I will ask about your day over a pot of loose-leaf tea and show you just how interested I am in the different experiences you have had.

I will find ways to show you that what you achieve is impressive, but it is who you are that I love and always will. Simply for being. You are sacred to me and I will find ways to remind you of that as often as I can.

Your pain makes me uncomfortable, but I will learn to sit in it with you, because I know you need to process those feelings, so that you can let them go. I will ask if you desire comfort or advice, rather than jumping straight to advice. I will grow, so I can be the person you need.

Thank you for this gift. At first it hurt so much to receive it. I cried, I raged, I journalled. I thought you were trying to wound me, to lash out. I wanted to hurt you back. But slowly I realised you could have just walked away. Instead, you were giving me a chance to know you, to be better, to love you.

Now the hurt has turned to gratitude. A sweet sorrow. I can't change the pain I caused you in the past, but I can make sure I behave differently in the future.