Significant Other

"I have a new boyfriend."

"Is he taller than me?"

"No, but he's nice."

"Nice isn't me, honestly, so I'm happy for you."

"No, you're not."

"Maybe I'm not."

"I want to tell you about him."

"I'd rather we discuss this in bed."

"I told you. New boyfriend."

"Fine. Tell me about him."

"He has black hair."

"Is it long?"

"No, it's short, but if he grows it, it gets a little curly. I think that comes from his dad."

"Great."

"Jealous?"

"What, of his hair? Nah. I haven't missed it since I turned 21."

"That was a long time ago. Do you even remember what it was like to have it?"

"Nice. Please, keep going."

"He likes to cuddle."

"Yeah? Does he have a job?"

"Not really."

"The fuck? He sounds like a winner."

"He makes me happy, and that's doing a good job, I think."

"Doesn't sound like there's a lot of pay involved."

"Well. I'm naked a lot, so I think you'd consider that worthwhile."

"Yeah, but we ain't talkin about me."

"We do talk about you, though."

"How's that? He knows me?"

"No, but he listens."

"What interesting stories do you tell about me?"

"Well, I told him that you'd likely come over tonight."

"I thought you didn't want company."

"Never said that."

"No, you said you had a new boyfriend."

"That doesn't mean I've died."

"So you want me to come over?"

"Know that he will probably watch."

"Don't care."

"Didn't figure you would."

"What are the rules?"

"Stop and get a couple of McDonald's hamburgers, plain ones, on your way over."

"Sounds like a weird craving. You late? No way it can be mine, right?"

"You're the worst. They're for him."

"So, what? I fuck his girlfriend but have to pay a burger tax? That's a weird pimp kink. I'll play, no judgement."

"Bullshit. You're a judgy prick."

"No, really, I'm into the whole your-kink-isn't-my-kink horseshit."

"Whatever. That's crap people say because they don't want to end up catching shit. We're all silent judges, at least."

"McDonalds plain burgers. Which is worse, the McDonalds part or the plain part?"

"Just do it if you want to get lucky."

"What's this guy's name, where is he from? Any other rules?"

"Yeah. Don't knock. Just come in."

"Hot."

"Well. If you knock or ring the doorbell, shit gets crazy."

"How? Why?"

"Trust me and do what I ask. Dammit you ask a lot of questions."

"I'm a curious guy. So? Name? History?"

"I don't know a lot about him."

"But he's at your place now?"

"Yeah, I left him in the bed."

"Weird."

"His name's Buddy, I think his mom is from Newfoundland. Not sure about his dad."

"Canada? Buddy?"

"Yeah, I didn't name him, man."

"Obviously, but you're dating a Canadian?"

"Not exactly dating, but he's a good boyfriend."

"I'm confused."

"I got a dog, doofus. Bring cheeseburgers so that mutt loves you."

"Fuck me, I'm an idiot."

"True, and I will."

"Let's go."