Spaceship

I... I did try, you know.

Oh? And then what?

The tapping began.

Do you hear yoursel-

Shh. The tapping. I know you can't hear it, you'd have to block your ears enough to go internal rather than external but let yourself be, then. Focus. Really focus. Can't you feel it?

This can't possibly be the reason you left.

I walked away for the same reason I didn't return that day. The same reason I smiled politely while crying and smiled politely while being used like a mop and broom and smiled politely while in the midst of a panic attack because someone caught me-

Sorry. Mop? And broom?

Grappled around for a bit, tossed aside like nothing. Useful for cleaning up what needs to be and not much else. It's funny but I remember being abandoned to clean the class alone in primary school and doing it all... Mopping, sweeping, windows... Do you think that's connected?

Hey. Hey. Focus.

Hey. Hey. Snap out of it. It doesn't matter! The why doesn't matter because you already know! You've known the whole goddamn time and yet you ask me question after question, expecting answers you already have because you have this idea that once you understand me enough you can fix me. Fix us-

That's not what I'm doing. Not what I'm saying, either.

You never thought of that, did you? Well, here it is now. The thought's there. Are you seeing the reason now? Is it all making sense to you?

Why? Just say why. It doesn't require this much talk.

No. I guess not... My gods, I'll never be enough for you, will I? Or for them. It's ridiculous, I know, to feel the world revolves around me so. To worry I'll be called out among dozens of students. To worry I'll be harmed again when I'm trying so hard to stay out of everyone's way- but I used the same tactic then too, remember, and look what it got us?

You didn't do enough.

Yeah. I didn't. I never do. I never will. Give up. Give... Give it all up. Feel how the energy has slipped from your fingers, now? The burst of... Whatever that was... Rage, colliding memories, emotion... All of it. Pissed away. Burnt right out. Knocked off the face of out teensy planet-

Hey!

No, shit up, shut the fuck up because I'm not done. You don't get to tell me to focus like you aren't just as tired of it all as I am. If I could flip a switch and make us not care, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I'd regret it. Because I want to care too much about the good and not at all about the bad but everything overlaps here. This world, this mind. You switch it off, it's off. Five four three yer outta here, you know exactly how this works. We've been there many times, that smooth empty pocket of space with no stars and other shiny things in between. I will not let you take us both down. I refuse. So let's work together. Try not to die on this never-ending journey. And try not to murder each other first all the way through. Alright, self?

Okay. But answer the question. Then I'll let you go. I still don't... Fully understand it. I felt your feelings. I was there through all the emotions. The energy flowed away from my fingertips, we balled them up and gave into the emptiness. The memory is there but no reasonable breakdown will suffice. So just... Try to explain in... Words for me? Please?

It didn't feel necessary anymore. It was the slip-away. The... I set an alarm for 6:30 but left too early even though I had a different plan. I left because it didn't matter anymore. Because it didn't make sense to stay. Nothing makes sense anymore, Captain.

Till the very end, perhaps?

Till the very end.

Onwards, then.

Roger that.