Unexpected Gift-4/26/21
Why did I try for you?
I never once read you right, did I?
You have never thought of me that way. Why would I presume to know you. Why would I presume to not feel anything but complacent hope. Sometimes, when I think back on my memories of you, I realize that I cannot love someone who thinks of me as an afterthought. I think it means a great deal to be in the moment of your longing and realize you’re not the one for the one you want.
Why do I want the ones that do not want me back?
My innermost voice begins to bellow:
"Don’t you realize you deserve better than this? Why do you try to hold onto what you think the world wants from you, do you know what it means to love less loudly?"
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I did it, it hurt but I did it--GO ANNA
I wandered into my liking of you in a way I did not expect. I began to look into the heart of every movement you made and would wonder if you wanted my lips as much as I wanted yours, or maybe not even your lips but your words.
I felt like taking the lead in a dance I had never learned before. You were going to follow, or at least I assumed you would.
But that night, when I finally worked up the nerve to see if maybe, just maybe you would like me too, I was a bundle of nerves- rapid firing. Wondering if I could receive a love that I knew I deserved.
It never happened, because practical and good you told me that you do not see that love with me. The kind that means we dance together with lips and love in locked teeth.
I guess that is fine. It has to be. I looked at my nervous questions and my “what ifs” and could finally breathe, because at least now I know there is nothing more to read there.
There are things about you I will take with me. I will take them and remember that these are traits that maybe a “someday partner” will have. And you will be as you are in my mind, a friend who ignited in me the desire to want someone again.
I suppose that makes you a gift, even if you are not a gift I can keep.