____________

"You know how we don't gain weight on ____?"

My doctor looked at my hopefully, waiting for an answer.

My doctor said, there are three rules to not gaining weight on ______:

-No dessert, ever

-One serving, no seconds

-Small portions

The only issue is: I cannot, and will not, accept these terms.

Who the f___ doesn't eat dessert?

Where can I find someone who could possibly abide by these rules?

The truth kills: I want to be someone who can be pure and whole, satisfied with this depressing, unobtainable diet, but the inner me just wants to get trashed on four margaritas at the sports bar down the street. The inner me wants to eat a greasy street hot dog at 2AM outside of the club. The inner me wants to bake a cake with gobs of frosting and have two slices.

I can't ever be someone who follows those rules.

I will not be someone who shrinks to fit.

I am not someone who fits into your little, restrictive box.

And so goes being on ______. I would not recommend it, unless you too want to suppress a laugh in a doctor's face.