Choices.

I have been walking tirelessly down the street. Towards something that I have known my whole life, that I have dreaded my whole life, and that I have been avoiding for as long as possible. It’s a long kind-of-street, so I had a lot of time to go into the rabbit hole that is my thoughts. I have been mulling over how it came to this point while my feet slowed down. Not just because I didn’t want to reach my destination, but because the soles of my shoes had become so thin that I could feel every little stone.

If I wanted to give into the illusion that I had no control over this outcome, I could argue that my parents paved the way. Their decisions made it possible in the first place for me to go down this path. But that would be too easy. So, to be honest, I decided to comply with what people told me for too long now. My constant fear paralyzed me, just to make me walk for who knows how many Kilometers now. It worked well. Every time I decided against my morals, avoiding conflict and hardship with the same breath as I gave out my constant “Yes, Sir”, I put myself on a path that was the least uncomfortable, at least in that moment. And that’s how it went on, from one just slightly uncomfortable decision to the next. Until this one. 6 hours ago I was feeling afraid, as always, but still safe to a certain degree. I knew that my tasks were limited to simple things; people could always feel that I didn’t trust myself with anything really. But then, all of a sudden, I was the best replacement.

“You have observed the necessary training, right?” - “Yes, Sir.”

“And if I remember correctly your family background fits in with this mission?” - “Yes, Sir.”

I was not lying. I have never been lying, at least not to other people. But just because the facts were correct, didn’t mean that I felt comfortable regarding any of my skills, like I already mentioned.

In this situation though, I doubt that they would have cared. I was supposed to be a diversion; to pull peoples focus onto me as I stumbled through this open area. If I came close enough, I should also attack. But I didn’t want to get close. I didn’t want to decide over other people's lives just because we were at an advantage for once. I didn’t care about any of the fights that the generation before me started. My rambling, defeatist thoughts got interrupted by signals from my team “You’re brilliant, we almost have them in sight. Just a few more meters and we'll make hell rain down on them.” That was it then. The first thing I’ll hold myself accountable for and the last thing I will most likely do. It begins.