Too far to rewind (or God I was a stupid kid)

I was sixteen and too high on myself and life to know the difference. She called herself Harlow and id questioned the name. Just another dealer in another town, i thought. Maybe id said it out loud. None of it mattered. She was pushing thirty, with an almost washed up smile.

Beautiful in her own right. Too old to say yes and too hot to tell no. We'd waded around in the pond of innuendos as we passed the blunt. But then her eyes got distant and she'd grown quiet. A nudge to the right and my last drawl.

She'd found herself in the kitchen, pulling something from a drawer. I'd followed on a signaled command. I watched her cut a line and cut her eyes.

Its wasnt pleading, it was certainty.

Her lips had turned into a smile at the final snort. She knew i was watching, she knew i was there.

Shed turned to face me as she'd propped herself against the marble counter. She'd nodded an "ok" and i moved closer. I could hear The Verve Pipe playing somewhere beyond our scene. Like an out of date fade to black.

Id watched her, cut it down and line it out. "some movie bullshit," I'd thought.

Why was i here? Why me?

She stood an inçh or so below me. The height didnt give me the power to say no.

I'd done a line and then three and rested my head on her shoulder. I remember looking at her eyes, dark brown and swimming with some flicker of golden. I couldnt say now.

But i remember how it felt when she'd taken my hand. A careful entanglement of fingers and my awkward stance. She'd pushed the hair from my face, tucked it consciously behind my ear and id instinctively moved closer. She smiled as i slid inside her grasp. "ready for bed?" She'd said, "or another round?"

I watched her cut out the lines. I could hear the voices of my friends a doorway away. Laughing. But...i was transfixed. Her hand on my breast as i inhaled.

Everything was here and there except for her and me. She'd leaned in and licked her collagened lips. I watched as her tongue danced acrossed them.

She was leading me, i knew and i wanted to be led. Her mouth had found mine with ease and id drank that in. She tasted like amphetamine drip and my innocence. And for a moment we were frozen. Just stuck in that moment with the verve pipe playing somewhere in the distance and her eyes boring into me and then her head had lowered and she'd pulled away and muttered something akin to "I cant " and id said "you can." And it seemed like forever standing there. With her coked out eyes looking through me, with hunger or need or confusion?

Id pressed myself in. Closer to her. In teenage arrogance, id traced the line of her breast through her shirt. Low cut and barren white.

She'd gently nudged me away and I'd reached for her hand.

It was on me before i understood. Fast, with a need i thought i understood.

I remember the fierceness in her motions and how i arrogantly accepted it as acceptance.

She'd let me lead. A silent trail from here to there to her bed. She was hungry for my touch? A touch? And she'd laughed as id thrown her down.

Ecstasy and aging hands. Too gone from here too far to rewind.