My usual Christmas.

Snow has never been a thing, here. Not in all the years of my life. I'm curious about it but I suppose I can spend the rest of my time on this Earth not knowing the experience of it's feel and taste and cold, too.

I live in Nigeria. My parents do well for themselves so I don't have to do much other than do well academically (there's been a bit of a decline as time passes... Oh well). There's nothing super special about either climate... Well, there is.

Christmas has always meant so little to me. I don't know why.

I probably have bad memories repressed somewhere. But you want to know what it's like here? For one in millions/billions? Sure. I'm sitting with a fan to me right now. The fan is on downstairs... It's loud. The fan is on in every room there is a person. We'd use our shushier air conditioners but there's no NEPA right now so we can't on it.

It's been weird. But I'm no worse or better than anyone else for it. Just another human. I hope I believe that enough some day.

Christmas tends to mean nothing to me. We used to go to the village. Have some judgemental comments here and there. About my weight, about school stuff, about how I can't speak my native language well enough, I suppose. Relatives should be kinder, methinks. We don't go anymore.

This may sound far-fetched and like a lie but the old king died (was killed actually) and my father was chosen from a selection to be next. Which is... Okay. With him not around, especially around the holidays, at least we can somewhat feel freer. My mother's leaving for the village on Saturday.

I'm nineteen years old, now. I'll move out soon. I don't know what Christmas will be like in the future. I don't know if I'll leave this country and have a white Christmas of my own or not. I know snow matters to some people... My brother still really wants to see it while my interest declined as I grew... Regardless.

It's been okay. I think it'll be okay everywhere. Maybe some day I'll have someone in my corner that'll make it exciting for me like they do in Hallmark movies. I can't imagine it but it's possible. My mother tries. Meals and Christmas lights and presents. I think I have a lot of bad memories around this holiday, though. Time spent pretending to be comfortable around visitors when I was a child, rather than being with close family only. Some shouting. Church scheisse I guess.

I'm not the most social person - which isn't very common in Africa, at least by the faces most put up - but I guess I forced myself to pretend for long enough that I got tired.

This is more autobiographical than I would have liked it to be. I felt it was meant to be some sort of story but I have no prettier stories to write. I'm not a Christmas fan. I'm sort of drained at the moment, less red and green in sparkly ribbons and more mute, monotone grey. To all who have the Christmas spirit burning in their hearts, maybe you have fonder times to share. To all who have white Christmases, mine will be the brown of our sands and the clearness of our sweat as always. No school is a pleasant reward.

I may spend most of the holiday in this state. Most of my life, maybe. It makes me feel nothing but at least, I don't feel hatred for the holiday anymore. I'll be made to go to Church on the day itself. Wear a dress. My mother will likely ask me to wear earrings. She'll be beaming as she gets ready, then become stressed, then wonder why we're late yet again...

Actually, she'll be gone. I wish I could say I'll make it a fun time for my brother but I don't want to make myself pretend to enjoy myself? It's... Exhausting? Just like convincing myself to "write better" so it can be "good enough" to be posted here is exhausting. I should write like this more often. A little journal entry to ease my mind.

Dear journal, dear strangers, dear... Myself. I'm a little tired. A little brain-hurty. I get overstimulated at the slightest instance cos of how sensitive I and my brain are. Las las... We survived yet another year. I do not know how. I don't even know why at times. But we made it. Christmas may not mean a thing to me, especially not the baby Jesus the holiday was appropriated for (that's probably the right phrase to use) but I guess I'm thankful that I'm sticking to being alive so I can find out what comes next.

There may or may not be much to do when you're dead so... I guess I can't wait to watch Old Guard 2 and the last season of Umbrella Academy next year. We all have what we hold, right? Happy holidays... Hoes...? I dunno. Bye bye humans and all else.