Transactional ephemera

We live in a world where most relationships are transactional. You give me this, and I will give you that. This is sad, but it is, most of the time, reality. It is sad because in a transaction there are seldom two winners. Everyone is trying to gain the upper hand, and come off best, but for that, someone else has to lose. Perhaps in a best case scenario, a compromise is reached, and no-one wins.

I purchase a lot of stuff, if I'm honest, probably too much. If I may say so myself, I have an eye for a bargain. I tend to purchase anything I think I may need in future when I see it going cheap. Sometimes, I can be persuaded to on-sell my goods for the right price. But, I got it cheap, and I might need it, so if you want it, I'm going to want enough money to replace it. I generally drive a hard bargain. Recently, I sold a large power tool to friend. He too, drives a hard bargain. It took him over three months to convince me to sell it. I wouldn't sell for less than I thought it was worth, and he refused to give up that much cash. I only relented when he offered me some stuff that I wanted, as well as the lesser cash. We both came away from that with a good deal. We were both satisfied that we got what we wanted, but at the same time we both felt slightly disgruntled that we got less than we desired. We both won, but we still felt a little like we'd lost.

This is a problem. In a transaction, there can be only one true winner. Only one person whose expectations are met in full. If both feel that they have won, one has likely been deceived. Many transactions are a compromise, which means both sides may still get a good deal, but no-one's expectations are met in full. Do you see how this might cause problems in a relationship?

Talking of expectations, why is it that we see females as higher value in this transactional sex marketplace than males? If she must make sure she is getting enough in return for giving him access to herself, what can he expect in return for giving her access to himself? If one side is to sell themselves dearly, then surely we should expect the other side to do the same? I am not advocating that either side is justified in trying to extort the most they can out of the other, but that is what happens.

In fact, I would like to turn this around, and say that though in many cases relationships are transactional, and failing to recognise that will get you hurt, in the long run, transactional relationships themselves will hurt you. Is there a better way? Perhaps. When you dwell on what you can give rather than what you can get, things can be very rewarding, but it needs to be reciprocated. And I don't mean reciprocal in the present moment, I mean reciprocal over time. Perhaps today, you are having hard time and need some extra care, maybe next week, or next month, it will be their turn. It is a matter of trust, and that carries risk. We don't like risk. And so, our relationships are too transactional, and too ephemeral.