The Words I Carved That Made Me Smile

"Regardless if you feel like a burden or not, I still love every single goddamn version of you."

Those were the words I typed on my document as my main characters went through a vulnerable state in a chapter. Words---my own words like these---make my heart pound, and cry, and melt, and break, all at the same time.

My heart would rapidly pound because I'd never seen my own words I created for me that would touch me so perfectly, so immaculately. Because I'd never seen other words I produced other than those words form a clear reflection of my soul.

My heart would cry because I wish someone would tell me that. Especially at the times when my thoughts were burdening me, which lead me to think I was a burden to everyone, which also led me to string into thoughts of knowing that people would have an easier life if I wasn't present in theirs anymore. Especially when my thoughts were constantly tied into thinking I had to present myself as the perfect friend to be loved. If I wasn't happy for a day, people wouldn't like me anymore. If I wasn't motivated for a day, people would see me as a fraud. If I went through something in my life, suddenly everyone starts to disappear from me, leaving me alone in my imperceptible darkness.

My heart would melt because of the same reason as the first. If someone ever said that to me in real life, I would break down in tears, no doubt. Tears would stream down my cheeks, but I would also beam at the same time. Knowing someone had cared about me that much to say words like these.

And my heart would break because it took them so much violence in order to say such gentle words like these. It took me so much unresolved history to form those words in the first place. Knowing I'd never experienced unconditional love. I'd never experienced feeling seen, despite the various versions of me. It didn't matter how many friends I had. It was the lack of connection that led me to carve those words out.

Isolation, loneliness, and the extreme feeling of desolation led me to carve out words that felt like a warm hug from someone I love.

Now that I thought about it, I don't think I remember the last time I ever received a hug. At least those words felt like one.

Those words will forever stick into my heart.

If no one was going to like the different versions of me,

At least I will.