before “YOU” happened

Thanks, I'm glad. I really am. But not really, I'm too tired for this. The weather outside is icky- so I feel locked inside. Curtains drawn and swimming in a pool of darkness. Except the illumination from a digitized screen, my eyes strained and barely managing to stay open. The only sound to be heard being the dull, motorized tick tick tick of the bare, black and white clock. And then, I get an email. A new roommate. Seconds later, a knock on the door. Flicking the lights on, I freshen myself up so I look the tiniest bit presentable, and I slow my pace as the door creaks open. From the moment I saw you, I knew I was bound to change.

I never learned the real reason why people value every small moment, until I met you. You were always the person that brought smiles to everyone's faces, brought energy that replenished the soul and advice that resonated with people on a different wavelength. And yet, I wasn't brave enough to admit it infront of your face. Something about the whole act seemed nerve-wracking. Yet here I am, hopelessly staring at the ceiling, with a heart torn to peices.

You split my heart in two, in a good way. It was because of your new job that we met. I saw a new side of me emerge whenever we were together. Every moment with you was priceless. From our deep, seemingly life-long conversations to our shallow movie nights, you added sparks of enchantment to every detail, big or small, to every experience.

Your superpower, if anything, would be a candle. A small, yet strong presence that never failed to illuminate the room. Having pride in your ability to shine bright, despite your awareness that small shadows still remain. An elegant, refined composure on the outside, but full of warmth on the inside. Someone who can light their own flame and help others even in the toughest situations. In fact, you helped me enhance myself without realizing it.

In the mornings, we'd take a walk to our local cafe. The smell of fresh morning dew and a glimmering sunrise melted with tones of orange greeted us on every walk. We'd grab a latte and a daily newspaper, sitting by the sleek warmth of the fireplace. Soft fingers danced along the edges of the paper, turning each page, and lukewarm cafe music wrapped us in a warm, cozy blanket.

As we stepped outside, everything seemed to change. Light gray tints started to spread across the clouds as rain pelted down. Shimmering layers of rain would soak our clothes as we sat on a rough, wooden park bench. We'd listen to the splatter of the water onto the sidewalk, exploring every inch of the park scenery through our eyes.

You were always at ease. Even sitting by the fire, sipping your latte in a peaceful trance while your job was full of chaos, you sat reading your newspaper, always looking so content. You never cared about getting your hands dirty as long as we made shared memories, even if they weren't worth it. Even during the rain, your calming energy ushered us through different parks, and our laughs would echo down the neighborhoods nearby. Your ability to be at ease when chaos and turmoil is around you was a huge inspiration.

Soon enough, I found myself wishing to spend the rest of my time with you. At first, I wanted to become better friends- for our bond to get stronger and stronger without fail. But as time passed by, something about you made my heart melt. Your candle's flame started burning a bit too bright, and soon enough all I could see was you. I started thinking about you all day, every day, and It wasn't something I could control.

You split my heart in two, in a good way. It was because of your job promotion that we split. But when you left, you were unaware that you brought fragments of myself alongside your journey. But that one time when you looked at me differently- the slightest bit of affection in your eyes, glimmering in the sunlight, sent jolts through my heart. I can't be mistaken, you definitely looked at me like that... But what if I am- and all of what 'we' are goes down the drain?

Is the fear of sacrifice worth the chance of turning this into something more? But I waited too long, the deadline creeping up from behind. Too lost in my thoughts, months felt like days, days felt like hours. I looked up, and suddenly every trace of you was gone. For work, I know, but I wish you could stay. All that you brought made this space feel magical; all that you took made the space feel empty, like a cup waiting to be percieved as half full instead of half empty. I lost a piece of me, and I know that if I was just brave enough, and if I had asked you, out of all the other people in the world, you might, possibly, hopefully, stay here with me forevermore.

Through all this, I'm glad. I really am. For the memories we share and for these unforgettable emotions you put me through. For you and for me. I'm grateful. So, thanks. For making my world a different place. For making it better then it used to be and pushing me to become better instead of just thinking about it.

So this time, thanks, really.

I'm glad.

I really am.