The Retirement Party

The conference room into which Ron peered, had been cleared with the exception of one table, and chairs lining three of the walls. Men sprawled in one position or another while the women sat in a more dignified manner, and the overflow congregated around the two doorways.

Three suited men ranging from Supervisor to Department Director stood behind the table that served as their podium, all smiles. Between them was a beaming Justin who shifted from foot to foot and fiddled with his fingers in self-conscious acceptance of their accolades.

Justin hoisted his swag with proud embarrassment and thanked his superiors and co-workers for all their support over the years, how fulfilling his career had been, and that he sincerely wished everyone the best of luck. The Director then instructed each person to stand and give their memories of working with him.

Leslie, a short, blond office roommate, sidled up to Ron and peered in. Five years his junior, she was on an unending quest to stem the appearance of aging.

“Talk about hypocritical,” Ron whispered and eased back a step. After taking a look inside, Leslie stepped back as well, not wanting to be invited into this adult version of show-and-tell.

“He wanted a big retirement party, I’m glad he got it,” she said.

“I wouldn’t call this a party, but Justin did want a big sendoff. Ironic, though. Management is gushing over how much he meant to the company, what a valued employee he was, and how he’s leaving a lasting legacy. He’s all smiles over how much their support meant to him, but everyone knows he’s retiring is because they turned him down for that supervisor job. Over thirty years experience and they give it to someone with only four years experience. But now it’s all hugs and kisses.”

“So, is this is how the company’s doing retirements now?” Leslie said. “It’s so... procedural, if that’s the right word. Structured. Impersonal.”

“Yeah, and that’s why he threw his own retirement party last week. Had to buy his own cake and ice cream, and nobody from management even attended.”

“I was too busy serving to notice.”

“I didn’t stay long. I tried talking to him but he just looked past me, like he was taking a head count or searching for his inner circle of friends. Anyway, I’m done with attending retirement parties. Everyone wants a big attendance but they only visit with their buddies. Now we have formal ceremonies like this.” Ron said with a gesture.

He was answered with scattered laughter as a co-worker relayed some humorous event and added a friendly insult.

“You went to Gerald’s retirement party last summer, didn’t you?” Leslie said, resuming their conversation. “I thought about going but didn’t.”

“Yeah, and that was strange. It was more like a funeral than a party. I mean, Gerald was only middle management but, as we know all too well, he had a lot of influence. Bigwigs attended and they all sung his praises, then sat there smiling stupidly while he gave them a peepee-whacking for forcing him into retirement the way they did.”

“I know a lot of people didn’t care for him, but I got along with him just fine.”

“I asked him what his plans were and he blew me off with, ‘I always got plans.’ so I gave him a big hug in front of everyone.”

“You didn’t!” Leslie gasped and broke out laughing, attracting the attention of several people seated just inside the doorway.

“Absolutely. I mean, I’ve known him since the day I was hired. We worked well together and accomplished a lot, and then to blow me off like that? Before he began climbing the corporate ladder, we used to play basketball during lunchtime, go to lunch together, and actually had a lot to talk about back in the day.”

“That’s too bad. So, are you going to have a retirement party?”

“It’s pretty much expected, but I’m just inviting our organization and several others who’ve told me they wanted to attend. I won’t do what Bill or Fiona did, that’s for sure. Just haul their shit out the last day without so much as a ‘goodbye’.”

“Neither left on good terms.”

“Whose fault is that? I mean, refusing to attend your own retirement party is insulting. It’s the last time you’ll see most of the people that you spent years working with.”

“Not necessarily. Look at Sean. He retired for eighteen months, the company re-hired him for eighteen months, retired for six months, now he’s back working again. Or John. After they threw him a retirement party, he tells management that he’ll stay if they move him to the training department, so guess where he’s working now?”

“Well, that’s not happening to me. I’m an old-school dinosaur and no longer compatible with today’s younger work force or corporate ideologies. I already told management that when I walk out that door, I’m not looking back.”

“I guess you’re right,” Leslie said. “Retirement parties are going to be a thing of the past, anyway. Half the company is either a hybrid or working from home, and those who actually come to work don’t stay very long. You don’t build relationships with your co-workers anymore, so nobody really cares when the old shuffle out and the new shuffle in.”

“The company has already put me out to pasture. I was told that the reason I didn’t get the last two jobs I applied for, was because they were looking for someone with ‘more longevity’. The same with Justin, here.”

“That’s age discrimination.”

“Yeah, and so what? The way I see it, I’m not forcing my way into a job where I’m not wanted. No, I’ve bucked management enough times that they’ll be relieved to see me go.”

“So,” Leslie said, “you just want a small party? You’ve worked here what, thirty, thirty-two years, and a lot of people will want to say goodbye. You’ve had a big impact and the non-management types appreciate working with you. People say it all the time.”

“I’m not having an open invite like this. No, I’ll go around and say my goodbyes in person.”

The conference room was slowly emptying with attendees and carried the hot stuffy air out with them.

“Anyway,” she said stepping aside to make room for those filing out. “ It looks like the party’s breaking up. Are you going back to the office?”

“No. I’ll wander the halls for another half an hour and then leave.”

“I think I’ll wait for everyone to clear out and wish Justin a final farewell. After that, I’ll have to start working on your retirement party, and it’s going to be everything you hate,” she said with a mischievous smile.

“Knock yourself out.”