Salvation-Damnation

I kneel yet again to worship. The familiar phrases and words of subjugation, and obedience mix with a sigh, and the tiniest whimper of self loathing. Each moment that I kneel brings me closer to ruin rather than salvation. The so-called blessing, then the habitual opening to accept the offering. The natural desire and need to be made normal, and obedient again, deny the shame and disgust burning in my soul. I pray for the strength to run screaming into the street. Instead I swallow and die inside. Damnation complete. Supper in half an hour darling.