Anxiety

*tick tick tick*

My fingers fidget at my sides, my leg bouncing up and down. Constantly moving, waiting, thinking. My thoughts spiral, going farther down every second that I wait here, seated in patience.

*tick tick tick*

I sigh and lick my lips, glancing at the clock. It has only been three minutes since the last time I checked it. I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans, still waiting. My thoughts grow in fear, continuing on their rapid spiral down. Down into straight insanity of this aching, wretched waiting.

What if it is a "yes"? What if it is a "no"? What if I never get to see my family again? What if I can live for more years? What if my time is up? What if I have all the time in the world? What if tomorrow is my last day? What if I have an infinite number of days ahead of me? What if... what if... what if...

*tick tick tick*

The clock ticks, continuously but it is as if time has stopped moving altogether, making me wait with this biting anxiety. This anxiety and waiting that will kill me.

A woman walks in with a clipboard, and I can feel the tsunami of tears waiting behind my eyes, ready for what she has to say. Ready to hear that dreaded news that will either make my day or end it.

She comes over to me and holds out her hand with a smile of great compassion. "Your safe," she says. "The cancer is gone."

Relief floods in me, and tears stream down my face, instantly washing away my anxiety and fear. I have more time with my family. God has given me more time to live and love.

I smile.