Extra Oozy, Exceptionally Virulent Advice

Advice is a lot like a particularly nasty, extra oozy, and exceptionally virulent case of genital warts. Some individuals are happy to give it, but most people are understandably not so willing to receive it. Keeping this bit of wisdom in mind, any advice I offer should be assumed to be given with tongue fully engaged in cheek. So, let me impart the kind of wisdom that only Shallowgenepool is capable of giving.

1. Not everyone is going to be as passionate about the thing(s) you are. For example, you may think that traditional Icelandic folk/death metal fusion is the most awe inspiring, poetic, and technically sophisticated music there is. Good for you. However, your friends and family may feel that your musical obsession sounds like someone anal probing a dolphin with a jack hammer wrapped in barbed wire sideways. My advice? Use earbuds or accept that if you don't someone is eventually going to sneak into your room and deafen you by repeatedly thrusting rusty icepicks into your ear canal so that you can experience something similar to the audio based, ear bleeding torture that your music visits on everyone else.

2. Don't give teenagers advice on sex. If Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet taught us anything, its that teenagers are both stupid and horny. Any advice you give will likely go unexamined as even the slightest chance of sexual activity will cause all blood flow to the teen's brain to be diverted to said teen's genitalia. Of course, a teenage brain that is deprived of oxygenated blood will be incapable of making anything remotely resembling a rational decision. My advice? Before the chance for adolescent coitus arises, show them a picture of the dirty diaper of a toddler who's recently been introduced to corn, prunes, and sweet potatoes, and then expose them to the banshee-like shriek of a two-year old being denied a dolly or Tonka truck in the toy section of Target. After that, all you can do is hand them a condom, and hope for the best.

3. Handling the in-laws. Your significant other may seem to share your opinion that being around your in-laws is about as fun as having a vasectomy performed with dull pruning sheers covered in battery acid, but you SHOULD NEVER be the first to criticize your honey's parents. This will lead to an immediate marital spat. Why? Because no matter how much your hubby/wifey may complain about their parents, the second you complain about them that dysfunctional parental/child relationship your significant other complains about and attends therapy for will suddenly take on a warm-fuzzy feel that was absent before. Miraculously, the spouse's parents that by previous accounts were chronic box wine swilling, passive aggressive, hot tub swingers with the neighbors suddenly become Ward and June Cleavers with a smattering of Mike and Carol Brady thrown in for a little extra delusion filled, and nauseating wholesomeness. My advice? Unless you're from the South, your in-laws won't be biologically related to you and will likely be significantly older than you. So, it is unlikely you will feel much of a familial bond with your mother and father in-law. In addition, you will likely outlive them. All you have to do is patiently bide your time and learn to fake a few tears for the funeral because the walking, talking, personification of hemorrhoids that are your in-laws will eventually have their plugs pulled.

4. Child Rearing. Hundreds of child rearing books have been written by Ph D's, pediatricians, nannies, teachers, psychologists, behaviorists, and even celebrities. Each book promises that if you follow the author's instructions you will be able to raise the most well adjusted, talented, smart, empathetic, polite child to ever be conceived from a night consisting of a shared Applebee's Special, cheap booze, and a forgotten condom. These books sell because parents are naturally unsure of themselves and often desperate to avoid the mistakes their parents made with them. What the books will never tell the parent, is that children are the most complex organisms ever to exist and NO ONE has all the answers. The mini humans are totally unique, forever evolving, random, shockingly observant, innately intelligent, emotionally complex, living, breathing manifestations of chaos. So basically, you can take any parenting book and have a good laugh because children are the universe's agents of anarchy and will not neatly conform to any theory put forth by some child development, "Expert." My advice? Love them, laugh with them, teach them that being a dick isn't okay, and most importantly, listen to them. You want your kids to understand that you are human and will make mistakes. You will receive the benefit of the doubt as much as you give it and you REALLY want to give your kiddos the benefit of the doubt. Why? Eventually, they will be in charge of your geriatric, end of life, diapers, and smuggled Viagra care. In short, you need to cut your cum fruit some slack because if you don't, they'll toss your Preparation-H covered ass in one of those roach filled, medication stealing, we'll feed them eventually, nursing homes you see on the news.

5. Relationships. Nothing is more confusing, frustrating, or potentially heartbreaking than navigating a romantic relationship. Getting to know another person and falling in love often requires that one or both potential lovers figure out how to lock their neurotic tendencies, weird kinks, past mistakes, and any time spent incarcerated in the strong psychological shackles created by a steady regimen of psychotropic medications. Each person in the relationship has to and play the long game, so that by the time your beloved figures out that you're a complete and total shit pile of abnormal psychoses they've invested too much time and energy in your sorry, secret monkey porn watching ass to leave. My advice? Try to be as honest as possible with your love while simultaneously hiding the fact that you wish you could open a brothel staffed by retirement aged women dressed like up like the Golden Girls.

There you have it. My idea of advice. I don't expect or recommend that anyone follow it. If you do decide to follow my advice please see below.

Any harm be it physical, emotional psychological, intellectual, or spiritual injury resulting from following any of the above advice is the responsibility of the follower. Really, who the flippity Foghorn Leghorn fuck would be brain dead, believe FOX News stupid enough to follow the advice of someone called, Shallowgenepool?