Deliberations were made

I get on my knees and breathe in and out, hating the slight flash of relief I feel. Perhaps I may never have the fear of people judging me if they're simply gone but that is no prize compared to existence wiping out without me going with it. Or is this death? Is this purgatory or hell? Heaven? Have I finally gone mad and broke my mind? What the fuck do I-

A hand touches my shoulder. I look up at the familiar skin, backing away when I notice my face looking back at me. It's rather uncanny to see yourself in 3d, knowing it's the way others see you. The mirror of me goes around my frozen form and clicks its tongue, then sits in front of me.

"Don't you want to see me, too? This isn't an opportunity you'll always get, kit. And who knows how long it'll last?"

"I'm... Dreaming. Aren't I? But usually when I realise it's a dream, it means I'm in danger and then I wake up. I should be awake by now."

"But instead, you're here with me. Two Icaruses. Icari? Icari works. I like how it sounds."

"...me too."

I sit up and stare at it, waving my hand with the silly expectation that it will follow me. Instead, it languidly stretches back, and then stares at me a bit longer, waiting. I suppose I'm waiting too. Someone must speak first but if it's anything like me, we are both so filled with questions that we are paralysed by it.

"That man, mirror me... Was that... A god of some kind? Was I put here because I tried to give him money? Is this a reward or punishment?"

"I didn't expect God to have dreadlocks. No way it's one from the main religions - those guys aren't that cool."

"Will you focus?! We might be trapped here forever!"

"...not if you hope not. Tell me... If you could've gone anywhere. Anywhere at all. Where would it be?"

"I... There's so many places coming to mind. The Eiffel Tower, for some reason. A field of flowers. A... A pride parade-"

Suddenly I find myself on a float. Lito from Sense8 waves at me, peckes his husband and they both gesture for me to join their dancing and laughing. They look so sweet together, so real and I am so very, very frightened. My eyes widen as I shake my head to clear this delusion, startled when it all wafts away in a moment.

"I remember that series," it says softly. "You and I felt so much pain because it wasn't real but so much safety because in that moment, earphones in, tears rushing from our eyes, it was more true than anything else in the world. Do you..."

"I remember. But why do you? Are you me? Do you have this power?"

"I'm an extension of you. The voice in your head that you talk to, I suppose. One of them, anyway, seeing as I'm not an asshole, not am I extra soft and sweet. I'm... A more neutral, apathetic side of you. Likely chosen because you were freaking out and needed to be grounded and you're used to helping yourself alone."

"It's safer that way. And maybe... I was lonely." It stares at me. They stare at me. Then they nod and clear their throat.

"So? What now? Are we going to create planet Zeeweirld, finally?"

"Do you not realise how many people were vanished from the face of existence because of this? Some curious god who wanted to see what one of its creations may do with its power? Do you realise how much time it took for the earth to form as it did? For the universe to come into being - blackholes, galaxies, asteroids... For every little and big living thing to come into being... You want me to be responsible for destroying that?"

We are now seated on a space backdrop. However, it looks fake. You can tell it's some sort of a green screen or painting. I do my best but my memory and true interstellar beauty cannot measure up to each other. I usually think so small. The sky. A bird or two to entertain me. I lose myself in what isn't real most times to make it easier for me to exist. I avoid the emptiness but this...

It's all there is, now.

"We could do anything... Have anything. We don't have to suffer anymore. We don't have to be around people anymore. Come on, Self. Just one day of this?"

"The concept of time doesn't exist now either, not that it ever truly and fully did. We made it too important. That ruined a lot of things."

"Hey. Stop going the philosophical route! We can paint galaxies, like you just did, with our mind! You get to sit on clouds and turn them into cotton candy. You get to literally dance among the stars Sinatra style and create the perfect partner to kiss if you wish. Why are you thinking of giving it up...? Why...?"

"Everything you said? It was humans before that gave it all their name. Somebody called clouds clouds. Somebody made cotton candy before people began to fantasise that the clouds tasted like such. The stars weren't made to be danced beside. Not by me. I'd rather look at them from my room. No... It would be cruel of me to bring humanity back into existence. We will suffer. But it would be cruel of me to deny humanity the chance of existing. Whoever that godlike entity was tried to pass on their dilemma to me. Curious about what I would do. But see, I'm curious too. Not about creating my own world of this empty space. I want to see what happens to the real, human me. I want to see what and who I will love and hate. What will hurt me again. What will bring me safety and joy. I want to know if I survive this thing or if I succumb to the seas within that want me drowned. And as I will it? So it shall be."

I wake up and find out my classes for the day are cancelled. A strange dream was had but I hardly remember it, now. I remind myself I need to go out and buy something to eat when I sleep and wake again at 1pm. I remind myself I must try to exist, even if I don't feel like I do, even if I sometimes don't want to.

Alone, I venture into the world. The sun is angrier than it should be. I suggest some gentleness to Anyanwu, the Igbo god of the sun, amused when a cloud later does me the kindness of granting my request. Coincidence or manifestation? The answer is whatever I believe. And I believe both and neither because what is possible if not everything?

I feel eyes on me and turn, faced with an empty space where I feel something... Perhaps someone was. It disorients me but I do as I always do. Try to put myself together. So this is life? I mentally greet a lizard on the way, then struggle with the weight of my groceries against the haze taking over my hungry mind.

This is life.