Cheating Hearts and a Rectum Large Enough for a GOOOOOAAALLLL!

I will never claim to be a saint mostly because it's a bitch trying to conceal my very conspicuous devil horns beneath my low-key halo. However, there is one moral wrong that I just cannot see my sinful nature enthusiastically wallowing in, and that is infidelity. Now, because of my extensively documented addiction to reading stupid shit on the internet, I have come across a lot of stories about people engaging in infidelity. The surprising thing is that in many of these stories the cheater suggests that they, and sometimes even the person they cheated on are better off for the experience. Far be it for me to suggest that I am an expert on human nature, but this seems to be either delusional thinking on the part of the cheater or there has been a drastic shift in what qualifies as douche bag behavior.

One cheating story commonly featured involves a brother/sister hooking up with their siblings spouse. A person might expect this kind of betrayal would result in heartbreak followed by the cheated on spouse finding the rabid wolverine equivalent of divorce lawyers. However, if the stories are to be believed, the end result is that somehow all parties involved realize that the infidelity made everyone's lives' better. Maybe the cheating parties finally have a partner that shares the same interest in anal penetration with power tools. Conversely, the spouse that got cheated on, now free from their coupling, can now go off to realize their dream of becoming a full time underwater basket weaver.

I also read a story where a terminally ill spouse asks their current partner for permission to bang their ex because, "While she loves me more than anything, her ex used to fuck her until she, the next door neighbors, the astronauts orbiting the Earth in the International Space Station, and her future ancestors, all walked funny for a week." Okay, maybe I paraphrased a little, but how exactly did the terminally ill, yet still horny spouse bring up this carnal desire? Somehow, "Hey, honey, you're the love of my life, but you can only make me wet, where my ex can create a veritable vaginal Victoria Falls between my legs" seems a bit cruel

Now, I can hope that these stories are fake, but even imagining such betrayal is so all kinds of fucked up that not even the writers who queef out those Lifetime Movies of the Week would stoop that low. So, am I wrong in thinking that infidelity is still a horrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love and have committed yourself to? Or is infidelity just another way for people to drift apart, get separate places, argue over who gets the cum fruit when, and eventually settle into passive-aggressive and snarky comment filled coparenting ?

I have to wonder if these stories aren't ways for the cheater to somehow justify bumping uglies with an unfamiliar ugly instead of the ugly they are committed to. After all, adults can't pretend that infidelity is a harmless accident. Dropping a dish is a harmless accident. Inserting throbbing naked tab A into equally naked, wet, quivering slot B is in no way shape or form an accident. Also, contrary to just about every fucking Country Western song ever written, being under the influence of alcohol isn't a good excuse for cheating either. Being under the influence of alcohol is only a valid excuse for getting impregnated by one of my relatives. It in no way can be used to, "Oops, my bad" away doing the tube steak boogie in a strange Wonder Bread bun when you have a loving Oroweat bun at home.

I can't help but think that there just isn't an excuse to cheat. If you have feelings for someone who's not your significant other, it could be argued that maybe you should be honest and get out of your current relationship because your feelings aren't as strong as you thought. Sure, it will hurt, especially when your significant other righteously kicks you in the baby maker after you've told them, but cheating would hurt worse and that kind of hurt can lead to a lot worse than getting kicked in the fuzzy-bumblies. (Please see the previous reference to rabid-wolverine divorce lawyers in paragraph II, for an example of what's worse than having your no-no place receiving a firm and justified boot-leather bopping). No matter what, your significant other deserves an honest break. Besides think of any children involved. Do you really want to cheat on the co-pollinator of your cum fruit? Think about it. Cheat on the other parent, your kids find out, and twenty years down the road your children are placing you in Dr. Kevorkian's Home for the Elderly because you couldn't keep your Tab A or Slot B at home where it belongs.

So, maybe I'm an idealist when it comes to relationships. Maybe, cheating has become just another of life's event we should all just assume we'll experience. I hope not because life is hard enough without being cheated on and then having to get tested for gonorrhea. Personally, I hope those who're so insensitive and focused on getting their yippee parts tickled that hurting someone who loves and trusts them isn't a big deal have a prison bitch experience with karma. The end result is that karma viciously renovates the cheater's corn-hole in such a way that a youth soccer league could use their rectum as a regulation sized goal net.