60 Milligrams

60 milligrams of numbness and 0 measures of wisdom and common decency. That's what the Creator, or whoever fucked me over as a child, seems to have intended for me. It's not greatness of soul, or passion, don't call it passion. It's a chaotic life, full of tension and hiding.

These splits tear me in two. Half-people. Half-women, half-pills, half-truths, 60 milligrams of numbness cruising through my bloodstream. And just a moment ago I felt something, only a moment ago. And that feeling is slow to return.

When I want to go back to live inside a womb. Or to stop crying next to you. Everything drains into the black hole from which all the contradictions began. When I love you, I say it, with all the mannerisms I've acquired over the years. Don't judge me harshly, I'm just a little obsessive right now. And lost. I'm a lost child, even though I'm no longer a child, maybe a bad child. Because there's no such reality as a good child. There's only a child who feels good. And I've been feeling like shit for a long time.

60 milligrams and one huge pit in the soul. And mental gashes that psychiatrists write post-doctorates about.

Today I cried again like a person who lost his God. And human image. my eyes burn and I look at my world through a glass pane filled with tears from recent nights. Yesterday I saw you looking at me, and I caught the pity. How I revealed to you that I cum the strongest only after hearing you scream in the room that I'm not sick. "You're not sick baby, you're not sick!". All this problematic genetic baggage is now in your belly.

But I wanted to hear that lie from you. Because from your mouth it still sounds credible to me. And you have a big heart that contains within it everything a man longs for. But yesterday we talked and I felt it packing its bags. I wonder if it saddens me, it does. But I'm not angry, I'm realistic - with this borderline and treacherous madness, no one knows how to cope.

The hugs from you were more beautiful than all the biggest words I wrote about you. And the dreams about you briefly brought back a sense of humanity to me.

Thank you.