One big empty promise

Subject: My ex

Rating: One star

Comments: I wavered between one and two stars - because the start of the relationship was so promising. And also, because it always takes two to tango and one star is rather letting myself off the hook. But for anyone looking for an emotionally available and caring partner - keep looking. This is not it! He's not interested in change. Every time you bring up something that bothers you, he immediately invalidates it and makes it a you problem.

Want him to go to more family events? His solution is that you have to drag him there kicking and screaming and deal with his resentful petulance the entire time you are there. He'll also hold that over your head for the next two years.

Go to something without him? Be prepared for a series of guilt inducing messages about you abandoning him and leaving him all on his lonesome - like the monster that you are.

Rude to your friends? Well he just can't be bothered to say hello. That's on you for repeatedly inviting them over.

Intimate relations? He will never instigate (but apparently if you 'grab him by the dick' he's always ready to go), he's very unbothered by your pleasure and he says if he has to wear a condom he won't enjoy it at all.

Foreplay? Not a fan. He'll spits in a bowl while going down on you (sure to make you feel hot, hot, hot)

Quality time? Him playing the PS5 while you sit there quietly.

Life admin? Your problem (he doesn't like talking to people on the phone, so enjoy hooking up the internet, dealing with the real estate agent, plumbers and any other life admin people.) It will also be your job to pay the rent and other bills

Cleaning? If you do sign up for a relationship - please make sure you have your own bathroom - because he won't ever clean it, but boy will he make it dirty.

Holidays? Wants to stay in a five star hotel (that's way above your budget) but doesn't want to pay more than half the bill. Also, never wants to eat at normal times, so dining is an absolute nightmare

Dates? See 'quality time'

Birthday present? $5 yoga mat from Kmart (after many, many hints about wanting a yoga mat)

Bedsheets? Never changes them, not once. Will go brown unless this is also a job you are willing to take on

Night out? On the rare occasions this happens, he'll get very drunk and want to punch someone. Not you, but really anyone else. Or a telegraph pole. He also does this gross thing called 'tactical vom' where he sicks his fingers down his throat and throws up. You'll probably be giving any night out one star

New job? Right after a brief congratulations he'll go out and get a better job, with a more impressive title and larger pay check, because it's very important to him to always one-up you

Dinner with friends? Be prepared for worried looks from your friends as he continuously puts you down and says unkind things in front of them

Grocery shopping? Wants to go down every single aisle, every single time, to see if there are any special buys

Overall? One big empty promise

Positives? Is currently single, on the rarest of occasions that he cooks, it's quite delicious, faithful, handsome, funny, can be quite cute, very intelligent, but also a complete idiot