Lights on. Lights off.
Curtains closed.
Thoughts on all the way.
It was lingering in. Snaking in. Seizing my head.
Blankets over me.
Eden’s blanket over me.
I bit my lip so hard that it only made the tears trickle even more.
I wish there were a distraction.
A distraction to everything.
I wiped my tears away.
Sat on my desk chair.
Opened my computer.
I turned on my desk lamp.
Took my biology flashcards out.
Tried to study.
Ended up ripping the flashcards in half.
Tears.
A lot more tears than before.
My phone buzzed across the room.
I picked it up.
Eden asked to come over to my house.
I wiped my tears away.
I answered, What for?
He responded, Need assistance w/ homework :(
I gave him a thumbs-up emoji, turning off my phone.
But my phone buzzed again.
He texted, Are you okay?
Why did he ask?
What did I do?
Did I do something wrong?
I’m not okay-
I’m fine.
I texted him, I’m fine
Just fine? he said.
I’m breaking apart-
Just fine.
You’re worried about me, I said.
His text bubbles showed up.
For a whole minute.
Until it stopped.
And instead, he texted back, Just checking in, that’s all x
Eden went offline.
I don’t think that was what he wanted to say at first.
I’m fine.
Fine.
Just fine.
I’m not okay right now
Always been fine.
I don’t think I’ll be okay anytime soon-
Always been okay.
I desperately need a hug right now-
I don’t need one.
And I don’t know if I can take it anymore-
I wish everyone could just leave me alone.
Desk lamp off.
Ripped flashcards on my desk.
I threw myself onto my bed.
I hadn’t felt this broken in so long.
And I don’t think it was because of my recent test score.
I was supposed to be the confident one.
I was supposed to be the strong one.
This kind of thing was getting bad again.
But I didn’t have a reason to be like this.
But that was the thing.
None of it came with reasons.
It would just happen.
Sometimes gradually.
But other times like a flick of a light switch.
One day, I would feel infinite. Like it was me against the world and I was winning.
And the next day, I was breaking apart. A single gust of me and the flames of me would blow away.
Today was one of those days. The breaking apart kind of day.
God
I
just
want
to
plan my demise- no.
disappear- no.
be fixed- no.
be dead- no.
be understood.