Mirror Mirror on the Wall Who’s the Shallowest Genepool of All?

I'm a small pasty, bald, Irish guy that looks like the product of an unholy, biological-law-breaking union between Uncle Fester of the Addam's Family and Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. On a scale of 1-10, most people would say that I'm a C-. Already in my middle years, I fully expect that by the time I'm an old man I'll have to shop at the Big, Tall, and Hunchbacked store for clothes.

In terms of a personality? I have one. I guess. However, it's an open box, slightly irregular, analog, neon plaid, and batteries not included purchased at a shady flea market stall kind of personality.

Psychologically, I suffer from major depressive disorder, with manic tendencies which is interesting because I can't find, "Manic Tendencies" in the DSM-V. I guess my psychiatrist really thought I was special and deserved something customized! It was sweet of him, really. I also have PTSD related to domestic violence, social anxiety disorder, and was exposed to a buffet of illicit drugs in utero.

People think I'm eccentric when really, I'm a ball gag, straight jacket, and resides in a padded cell kind of psychotic. My delusions might be absurd and self-destructive, but they're a lot of fun!

I am a social worker with crippling social anxiety. I can be in a room with 3-4 people, but any more beyond that and I want to curl into the fetal position under the nearest bed.

I am a husband and father of 4. Really! No, they're not imaginary and I know this because if they were imaginary I'd have a lot more fucking money.

I can quote hard rock and heavy metal lyrics verbatim, but I know fuck all nothing about anything that qualifies as useful. Change a tire sew or replace a button on a shirt? Fuck no! Quote the lyrics to both versions of AC/DC's, "The Jack?" Fuck yes!

I was a Taco Bell restaurant manager for more than 10 years. Although it's been nearly 16 years since I worked there my sweat still smells like red sauce.

I hate reality television and country music. Honestly, prolonged exposure to either will likely result in a loss of a minimum of 10 IQ points and at least 1 child conceived with a first cousin.

I'm not into porn, but if there isn't a Golden Girls inspired porn series there should be!

The only addiction I never treated as a substance abuse counselor was addiction to Flintstones Chewable Vitamins. It's probably a good thing because I don't have a fucking clue how I would've responded to being told, "I used to do horrible, horrible things for a hand full of Bam-Bams."

Is there a Just Fans page with just fans? Do you have to pay more for variable speed or oscillating? I can imagine someone getting a little moist in the knickers after watching a black stainless steel oscillating fan with a chrome fan cover blowing on high.

I would rather have my ass lubricated with battery acid immediately followed by a prostate exam performed with a running, rusty chainsaw than be anywhere near a clown.