Dad’s No Fun
My older three kiddos recently told me that I'm no fun. This didn't come as any surprise because I think that the default setting for teenagers is to operate under the assumption that their parents aren't really human and we know nothing, we have no other purpose than ruining their fun, and we should consider it an honor to take on the role as their personal financiers for things like cell phones, vehicles, and any form of entertainment that they desire. What did surprise me is the reason they gave. They were watching a horror movie and talking about ghosts. Well, I told them that I don't believe in ghosts, bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, alien abductions, or that Donald Trump is a genius and savior of our nation. My three cum fruit were absolutely shocked and dismayed (well except about the Trump thing). So, I proceeded to tell them why I think ghosts and these other things don't exist. I didn't have to explain the Trump thing though, that is pretty fucking obvious.
Hauntings/ghosts: If one is to accept folklore, ghosts are usually spirits who when alive experienced some traumatic event, betrayal, murder, etc. that prevents the recently living-challenged individual from finding rest or traveling to the great beyond. Now, it's a historical fact that until recently people almost always died in their home surrounded by family. In fact, one's own children and entire extended family often lived within just a few miles of each other. Of course, this meant that there was avoiding the need to invite crazy uncle Bob to Thanksgiving. So if you died and became a ghost you'd likely be unable to escape the relatives be they good, bad, indifferent, or in the case of my family, bat guano fucking nuts. Now, I guess a spirit might want to haunt their relatives if they were the agents of foul play or somehow responsible for their ghostly state. HERE is the problem.
If you haunt the people who did you wrong and they also happen to be relatives, when they die, they too may become spirits. The end result, you're stuck for fucking eternity with the people you thought death would be an escape from! So, a smart ghost would chill and play the long game hoping that the rest of the family has the decency to die of normal causes and choose to be buried in the cemetery behind the church. What about the movie "Poltergeist's" building on a Native American burial ground thus incurring their spirits wrath reason for haunting someone, you may ask? The circumstances are similar, the poltergeists just aren't related to the people they're haunting. Think about it. If you're pissed that someone built a single level 3 bedroom, 2 bath home with a spacious open floor plan (close to shopping and excellent schools of course) on your grave, do you want to run the risk of having them as neighbors forever if your haunting leads to their demise? Probably not. So, if ghosts exist, they probably aren't going to make waves by causing the walls to drip blood or suck a child into the television because eventually and with a little luck, the unwelcomed will move on leaving the ghost to enjoy the peace and quiet.
Oh, and before you toss out the idea of those ghost hunter shows? They can't verify anything. Also, they've likely signed Non Disclosure Agreements saying that they won't reveal the very mundane tricks and special effects producers throw in to make the ghost hunting look legit.
Bigfoot: I used to live in Sasquatch country and it didn't take me long to realize something. Those who claim to have seen bigfoot or are hunting bigfoot are likely the same folks who think professional wrestling is real and that Elvis is alive and living quietly in an Alabama trailer park somewhere. Besides, given all the clear cutting we've done in bigfoot's habitat, old Squatchy's probably having a hard time finding places to hide and enough berries and raccoons to eat. Unfortunately, if bigfoot exists, the poor missing link's probably going to have to get a job delivering for Amazon if he wants to keep himself in twigs and berries. So, no, it is highly unlikely that bigfoot exists. Although, some of the Amazon deliveries left on my doorstep look like they've been stomped on or used as a place for a little urinary territory marking by some form of nonhuman large primate, so maybe I've judged too soon.
Loch Ness Monster: Three word reasoning for this one. SCOTTLAND'S FUCKING COLD! If I were a large aquatic, prehistoric creature like Nessy, I would've headed for the Bahamas centuries ago. Sorry, there's no Nessy and if she did exist, she's probably sunning herself off the coast of Jamaica right now. So, they're looking in the wrong place.
Alien Abductions/Visitors: This is the easiest one to explain. I actually believe that life exists on other planets. Given the vastness of the universe, it's statistically probable that we're not alone. As to visiting us, well, Dr. Hawking noted that it is doubtful that there is a power source capable of providing enough power and speed to make intergalactic travel feasible. It simply takes too long to get from point A to point B. In addition, he argued that we wouldn't want to be visited because any beings that expend that much time, energy and resources to get here probably aren't making a neighborly visit. The best case scenario? We may become intergalactic pen pals with the other lifeforms out there. Besides, if you had the ability to travel lightyears and explore the wonders of the universe, would you really come here? That's like being told that you can go anywhere on Earth for free and choosing Modesto, California. Now, if you're not familiar, Modesto is best described as the overwhelmed septic tank of this trailer park of a planet.
So, I guess my kiddos are probably right and I really am no fun. Still, I think that there are enough real, quantifiable wonders and verifiable terrors on our little planet to keep us busy. Who needs Sasquatch, aliens, or ghosts to add excitement to our lives? Of course, I didn't get to go into this much detail with my cum fruit because they have an almost supernatural, unexplainable ability to totally ignore me.