Unboxing the Absurd
Thinking Outside the "Box"
I've never understood the reasoning behind the saying, "Think outside the box." I think most of us think outside of the box. As far as I can tell, the only people who think inside the box are the unfortunate homeless souls who use cardboard boxes for shelter. Sadly, there probably isn't much to do except to think inside the box when one is forced to use corrugated material for shelter.
Now, if housing prices in California continue skyrocket beyond reason I may be considering the cardboard box option for my family. In anticipation of becoming a member of the corrugated community, I've been checking out various types of boxes and locations where to set up housekeeping (boxkeeping?). I've come to the conclusion that Samsung appliance boxes are the gated community level of cardboard housing options because they're reenforced for maximum structural integrity and often have Styrofoam pieces inside that can be made into throw pillows. Amazon boxes are probably the working class housing level of boxes. They come in many sizes, but because of the rough treatment they receive from the delivery drivers they're often pretty dinged up. I guess the single-wide mobile home level of boxes would be the produce boxes you find in the dumpster behind Safeway. While they're reasonably sturdy, they're often a bit wet inside and smell like rotten tomatoes.
Of course, when it comes to where you live location is everything. So, I think I need to find a decent sized alley with a bit of an overhang for those rainy days. Ideally, the alley would also include a water spicket for sanitation purposes, an external power source, and a downward sloping gutter leading to the sewer system at the far end which would function as the commode.
Jack in the "Box"
As far as I can tell, Jack in the Box is the only fast food restaurant chain that caters exclusively to the stoner population. In fact, the menu appears to be designed with the cannabis connoisseur in mind. It's high in grease, low in nutritional value, has a salt content that exceeds that of the Pacific Ocean, and staddles that razor thin line between actual food and "Well, I don't think it'll kill me right away if I eat it." Really. I don't know what that filling is in Jack in the Box's tacos, but I'm fairly certain it's not meat. If I had to theorize, I'd guess that the franchise has mastered the art recycling newspaper and tire rubber, combining both into a meat-like substance.
Now I would argue that the employees of Jack in the Box are so used to the marijuana infused state of their customers that they would be absolutely fucking gob smacked if someone came into the restaurant that didn't appear to be easy baked. Once observed, I could imagine the cashier running to the manager in a panic to tell them, "Man, there's someone at the register that doesn't reek of sativa and has normal sized pupils! They're even paying with a debit card and not with change from the ashtray. I think it's the fucking health inspector!"
The First "Box"
To my knowledge, the exact date or era where the box was invented is unknown. However, I have a theory. I think the first box was created by the first Neanderthal who was unfortunate enough to get kicked out of the cave by his live-in girlfriend. Seems he was caught flirting with one of those stuck up, bitchy homo sapiens. Sadly, admitting that her mother was right after all, the girlfriend who gave him the best 5 years of her estimated 25 year lifespan sends him to hunt and gather for himself.
"He's got some nerve!" She sobbed to her girlfriends as they gathered dried mammoth dung for their fire (with left overs for salad). "Like he even has a chance with one of those homo sapien bitches! They think they're so much better because of their larger brain pan, absence of a massive brow and a lack of hair on their backs. Well, that son of a homo habilis can just chisel himself something to carry his arrow heads, mammoth tooth collection, and his skid mark streaked loin cloths in because he won't be painting any hunting scenes on the walls of my cave anymore."
Given no other choice, the poor shmuck who let his good eye wander towards a female of a superior species chiseled something to carry his stuff in. Once finished he filled the very first box with his shit a d left the warm cave behind. Stepping out into the ice age cold he realized that he'd made the biggest (and second to last) mistake of his life. It's almost a mercy when he became cave bear chow after he made the mistake of wandering into what he thought was a vacant cave. A few months later, while gathering berries, his former girlfriend would find her former beau's dried bones stacked in a pile under a tree just a few miles from her cave. Seems that the bear found the caveman's box quite handy when tidying his den and put it to good use. Not wanting the remains to go to waste, the ex would unknowingly fashion his bones into a back comb, a necklace, and after grinding some of his bones into a paint she would write the Neanderthal equivalent of, "Live, Laugh, Love" on her cave wall. Ironically, her Neadershmuck ex boyfriend found his way back into her cave after all.