All By Myself

To those of us who suffer from social anxiety, being in the presence of others can truly be Hell.

Side Bar: You almost always here that people suffer from social anxiety. It makes me wonder if there are people who actually enjoy social anxiety.

Anyway, I have always suffered from social anxiety or at least I can't recall ever enjoying the nausea, heart racing, panic I feel when being around more than a few people. Even when I was little I hated things like school assemblies, large birthday parties, and things like little league. I come by it honestly because my mom has social anxiety that actually developed into agoraphobia when she was a kid. So, my dislike of large groups of people definitely has roots in genetics.

Another thing that really contributed to my social anxiety is being disabled. When you walk with a halted gate, one side of your body is significantly smaller in both length and musculature, and you only have full use of one hand, you kind of stick out. Unfortunately, growing up in the 1980's orthopedic bracing was nearly impossible to hide and lucky me, I got to wear a Forest Gump style leg brace attached to what can only be described as old man shoes. So, self-conscious. I always felt that there was a spotlight pointed at me allowing everyone to see how different I was. Now whether or not people really noticed didn't matter, for all know the vast majority probably didn't take the time to notice. That didn't matter because it was my belief that people were noticing my physical disability that increased my anxiety.

Of course, some of the most observant people on Earth are children and there was no escaping their spotlight. Unfortunately, recess and PE in elementary school became a daily misery. I never played with other kids really and spent a lot of time alone. As one can imagine I was bulled, but I had one thing going for me there. I'm one of those wallflowers whose unique ability to disappear into the crowd rivals that of the chameleon and octopus. You couldn't be bullied if you couldn't be seen. So, I blended in amongst the stale shelves of the library or slipped into corner of the playground where no one played. When forced into a situation where I had to participate in a physical, team activity I was always picked last. These little instances of rejection made me turn further into myself and increased my dread being in group activities even more. Highschool was pretty much the same situation only throw in raging testosterone in the other guys and the bullying became a bit more dangerous.

I blame myself for a lot for my social anxiety. Maybe if I would've joined the recess games of soccer, basketball, or touch football I might have been a little bit better at sports. By no means would I be a jock, but I could've gotten a little better thus get picked next to last instead of absolute last during PE. In elementary school I realized early on that most of the time I was smarter than the bullies. As a result, I might've been able to talk or joke my way out of the bully's crosshairs. Thankfully, in high school I weaponized my sense of humor which allowed me to outsmart the bullies or at the very least, be seen as funny enough to enjoy a little bit of the grace that my other classmates were able to offer. I did have a few friends in high school and did some socializing, but I always felt like a nun watching an adult film be made in person, totally out of place and a bit afraid of any backsplash of residual body fluids that might fly my way. So, my inward turned self allowed my anxiety to thicken as it simmered during that 4 year prison sentence also called high school.

After high school, my social anxiety made me its bitch and I didn't put up much of a fight. I wanted to go to college. In fact, I lived right across the street from the local state college, but I became nauseous just walking on campus. The thought of being around so many people terrified me. Being on the sidewalk that bordered the school made my pulse race, I'd breakout in a sweat, and I would have to talk to myself until I was away from the school to keep from having a full on panic attack. I lived alone because I felt that I would be seen as a pathetic weird guy and no one would want to live with me. Dating? What dating? You have to be able to talk to a girl you're interested in to date. I clammed up whenever I was near a girl I was interested in.

Now, I think I'm introverted by nature, but even introverts need friends, but I was paralyzed by my social anxiety which kept me in the shadows. So, my social anxiety grew and eventually it invited it's friend, clinical depression to join us. Being around more than a handful of people became overwhelming to the point that I was starting to feel like I couldn't force myself to go to work. If that happened, I'd end up homeless with social anxiety and clinical depression. My thoughts grew darker and as time passed it became more and more difficult to find reasons to continue being above ground.

After a brief stay at a happy fun time hospital and a prescription for a drug store worth of medications I had to make a decision. The social anxiety and depression were keeping me from finding friends and meaningful relationships. Of course, the loneliness fed the social anxiety and depression. I was caught in a circular fuck on the way to self-destruction. So, to pull myself out of it, I challenged myself. After work, I would go for a walk around the college across the street from my apartment complex a few times a week. It wasn't easy but it wasn't walled away in my one bedroom with just books and music for company. I stuck myself out there and made a couple of good friends which several years later would lead to me meeting my wife.

Oh, I still have social anxiety. I hate all staff meetings where I'm forced to sit in a room filled with people I don't know for hours. In addition, I'd rather have a lit flame thrower shoved up my ass and then have the trigger pulled than do one of the icebreaker activities management always fucks us with during these meetings. While everyone is in line to grab their catered lunch I immediately disappear into my car so that I can ground myself enough to make it through the remainder of the meeting. I don't grab my lunch because the anxiety driven nausea that has been building for hours makes eating inadvisable. Finally, I don't do clubs, weddings, family picnics, big events, or even events hosted by the agency I work for. My wife calls me the antisocial social worker and I'm okay with that.

I still have social anxiety and probably always will. As a result, to some extent Hell will always be other people. However, I have managed to stop feeling sorry for my inbred ass long enough to gain a few coping skills to make it possible for me to function. Ultimately, I've reached a stalemate with my psychosis which allows me to have friends, a job, graduate from college, and have a family. Just don't invite me to any weddings, family reunions, Tupperware parties, or bar mitzvas. Save your stamp, email, or group text because I won't be going.