L’amour; acceptance, obsession

I believe Madea said something along the lines of "if you get your heart broken, have the courage to try it again" some movie some time. I've heard quotes like let what you love kill you, follow your intense obsessions mercilessly and of course, a plethora of love songs. It's not about romance really, it's about love in general. Of things. Of activities. Of people. But I'm here to talk about romance since the way I view it has been so warped over time.

I don't know for sure what my sexuality is. I can tell you for certain that I am a sapphic, that is, super into women. I can't say whether that's exclusive cos I feel that way now but didn't maybe a year or two ago. I don't care for certainty the way I used to. I just think about the way my interest in relationships went from "I want a Disney princess happily ever after where the guy I marry gives me a shelf full of books for free like Beauty and The Beast" to... What it is now.

Yeah, I was a Belle girl. Lots of bookworms saw her exist when that movie came out and claimed her entire identity as a mirror to their own. Moi aussi.

Romance has always been beautiful to me. One of those pretty, hardly obtainable things. Like having a house or a bag of holding that's all junk food? And I was so desperate to be loved back then, in that way. My family didn't feel like enough. They didn't know me fully, nor did they accept certain parts of me such as how gae I am - they still don't. Hobbies were nice and all, still are but the thought of being with someone forever? Someone who would see me and care for it all, no judgement needed, no hell destined for some version of me who finds themself a wife?

I think I equated romance with obsession back then. With worship, with that seemingly unconditional "you can do no wrong in my eyes" idea. You read Wattpad books, watch movies, see what people have decided is the right match... It begins to seep in that if you don't have someone beside you in life, you're missing out on something that your life is worth less without.

I don't agree with it now, of course, but you should have seen me then. How I reached for people. I helped people because I wanted them to get to know me and love me. I allowed myself to be used because it seemed great to be wanted and useful at the time. To be the carer my mother has always been, just in a pretty unhealthy and harmful way. My quest for lovey doves brought me a lot of pain. And with that pain eventually came the nothingness. And after that?

Today, I... Well. I don't know. I still find romance to be some pretty, nearly unobtainable thing. I'm fond of the concept but I can hardly imagine a life partner falling into my lap and choosing me as their own some day. Would be nice though... Wouldn't it? I'm not open to it now, barely getting by, just starting to communicate more with humans again after a bit of triggering mind-fuckery a year and a half ago. But some day. It would be nice to be with a woman some day. And to hold her. And to love her.

Acceptance is love to me. Knowing a person is the way they are and giving a shit about them both because of it and regardless of it, depending on what piece of them we're talking about. Fondness is a nice feeling, affection a sweet rush but yeah... Would be nice to have someone look at all of me and say "yup. I'll keep em." Of course I'd have to reveal all of me in the first place which... Will be a slow process. But isn't that how it goes? You spend your life learning about the people you know and the hobbies you enjoy and the places you live. You find a random candy store on the corner, you learn about an allergy they hadn't even realised they had, you...

You exist. And grow. And love does too. It withers sometimes, of course, but I'm not sure it ever fully dies. I'm not sure any part of me has ever fully disappeared. The little child who wanted to be Belle in that giant books castle still exists somewhere. The one that would've given anything, sanity, skin and soul to have someone lives within my body too. The me who just doesn't want to try anymore and genuinely likes the idea of ending up alone and the excited, maybe naive or maybe intuitive bean who feels 'Hitler had a bride so why the fuck can't I'...

There's a lot of flavours to every idiot sandwich. I hope I get to share these layers. But I'm at a point where I want to take care of myself more than I want to be taken care of. I love myself enough to know that that lack of a lifelong romantic companion is not the end of the world. I'll have my family. I'll get a pet maybe. I'll have plants too. Most importantly, I have me.

People may argue, perhaps cos they've experienced or are currently enjoying their fair share of this dream. I'm happy to sit here in the quiet of my mind, curious but no longer trembling for a taste of it and wait a while.