Here I Sit Broken Hearted: The Case for Toilet Paper

We've become indifferent to the simple things in this age of high technology where everything is smart, artificially intelligent, or Bluetooth enabled because technology takes care of everything for us. Worried about water, turn on the faucet and there it is. Worried about sexual frustration? Just hit the, "Ride 'Em Cowgirl" setting on a vibrator and the need for a man goes away. Well, what if something so tried and true, barely improved upon, and so ignored suddenly disappeared? What would the world be without toilet paper?

Sure, it's funny, no TP for the bunghole...he-he. In fact, we had a near miss during the pandemic when people would hoard Cotonelle and get in fights over the last package of Charmin. Even Costco's unprocessed Kirkland brand, it'll give you ass splinters TP disappeared. Still, in the back of our minds, we knew we'd get our toilet paper back. Until then, we just used coffee filters and anything with Donald Trump's picture on it to cleanse ourselves. Of course, toilet paper returned after a lot of arguing over drinking bleach versus getting vaccinated, and our butt napkins became plentiful once again. Still, what if society collapsed and TP became extinct?

To see how we'd survive today, let's explore how people survived without TP prior to its invention in 1857:

Prehistory: Most likely humanity began its bum-wiping with what was available, which meant rocks, plants, and water. One can imagine that using rocks was uncomfortable and likely the cause of the first ever case of hemorrhoids. Plants? Plants were good, well unless you accidently reached for poison ivy or a Venus flytrap to wipe. Of course, the consequences of using poison ivy was A LOT of discomfort. The consequences of using a Venus fly trap? The first (and likely only) botanical castration and/or circumcision in human history. Water was good, but during the ice age, using water would likely result in hypothermia or frostbite to the No-No place. Later, mastodon hides were likely employed. Oh, it was soft and all, but it was also attached to a 5 ton+ killing machine, thus hard to get. Once obtained, the user then had to worry about giving fleas and ticks access to VERY sensitive areas of their body.

Classical Period: It is believed the ancient Romans used a communal sponge dipped in vinegar for cleansing. Although it did the job, we can't ignore the icky, COMMUNALITY of the method.

Dark Ages Forward: After the fall of the Roman Empire, it's assumed that all manner of plants, cloth, water, and bare hands were used in the wiping of the soiled southern orifices. All in all, it was likely a smelly, unsanitary, and unpleasant experience.

Sadly, humble toilet paper rarely enters the discussion as to what are some of the greatest human inventions. Still, life would be very different (and uncomfortable) without it. So, maybe toilet paper needs to be considered as one of the greatest human inventions. Oh, I wouldn't rank it #1, but maybe #2?