The Diaper Change That Defines
Setting: Hospital Nursery:
When: Birthday 3 Hours Post Mommy Part Egress
Newborn on My Left (removes fist from mouth to address neighbors): Whew! This being born stuff is traumatic!
Baby on My Right (stops newborn wailing): No kidding! I've been screaming for the last hour try to get someone to let me speak to the manager, but I'm being totally ignored. The accommodations here suck! I mean, why were we forced out of our previous suites? I was thoroughly enjoying myself!
Newborn on My Left (briefly removes fist from mouth): Yeah, it was great, floating inside the mommy person, getting room service on demand, and that band the, Heartbeat, talk about relaxing! (fist is returned to mouth)
Newborn Me (drooling a habit that would continue into adulthood): It was definitely a rude awakening. There you are, sucking your thumb, minding your own business, then, BAM! Your living space starts to collapse, your head get's crushed until you think your brain's gonna pop outa your ears, then finally you get squeezed out of a hole that seems waaaay too small to be a fire marshal approved emergency exit.
Newborn on My Right (preparing to resume wailing): Exactly! And would it have killed them to turn up the heat in where ever it was we ended up? And don't EVEN get me started on that bright light! I'm still seeing double!
Newborn on My Left (coos contentedly): Well, at least they got us warmed up pretty quick and our first meal in our new accommodations wasn't half bad and the mommy person seems nice.
Newborn Me (a little jealous): I couldn't tell ya, mine didn't come straight from the tap. I got this stuff that left a horrible aftertaste in my mouth.
Newborn on My Right (gives a sympathetic grunt): I'll be sure to mention it to the manager (starts wailing again) IF SOMEONE EVER LETS ME SPEAK WITH THE FUCKING MANAGER OF THIS PLACE!
Newborn on My Left (startled from dozing off): Hey, here comes a staff member.
Newborn on My Right (quiets long enough to glare at the nurse): Yeah, she's been by once before. Didn't acknowledge my complaining AT ALL. She just checked me over and moved on. Customer service here is extremely lacking!
Newborn on My Left (sighs): Oh good! I think she's freshening me up. I was feeling a little wet down there. (glances down nurse as removes and changes diaper letting Newborn check the wedding tackle) Well look at that, I'm a boy! AND WHAT A BOY! (nurse moves on)
Newborn on My Right (huffs): Well, it's about time! I'm all gooey down there and it is definitely, NOT COMFORTABLE (nurse now changing Newborn allowing for self-discovery) Oh good! I'm a girl and thank goodness! I don't want to be like the daddy person because he always insisted on poking mommy with me in residence. Frankly, I think that's how I got this soft spot on the top of my head! It's simply barbaric! (nurse moves on)
Newborn Me (now curious): My turn! (nurse now changing Newborn Me's diaper letting me glance down) Well, Fuck!
Newborn on the Left and Newborn on the Right (together): What's wrong!
Newborn Me (now doing some wailing of my own): I'm IRISH!
Newborn on the Left and Newborn on the Right (together): OH WE ARE SO SORRY!
Newborn on the Left (sympathetically): Man, I knew life was gonna be hard, but Irish, man, that's just cruel!