My Sobriety Journey Pt 1

I started drinking at 23 in 2016. Prior to that, I was attending church five days out of the week. It was only a six pack of cider; nothing too strong. After I felt myself becoming a bit tipsy, I stopped. This is the only time I remember having self control while drinking. Things are a bit blurry after that. I remember drinking wine every weekend with my best friend. It went from one bottle to three quickly. Soon I was drinking a lot by myself. College was a really rough time for me. I was dealing with mental illness but chalked it up to personal flaws. I couldn't make myself attend class. I couldn't make myself see anyone. The only thing that kept me going was being drunk.

I spent days scrounging up change to keep up with my habit. I went to work drunk. I went to class drunk. I drank as early as 8am and didn't stop until I was puking. It was okay because "college students drink a lot". I didn't think I had a problem. On the day of one of my finals, I chugged a full glass of wine and rushed to class only to throw up in the bushes. I was in a terrible place but I didn't know what else to do. Alcohol comforted me. It helped me do my assignments. Alcohol made college bearable.

I never went to the same store twice in a row. I didn't want the employees to know I was drinking so much. I carried a lot of shame. I went during the day and well into the night. I was never honest with anyone about how much I drank. I just wanted to feel good and not feel depressed. The headaches didn't matter. The depressive episodes became so much worse but I didn't realize that. I just wanted to drink to get through it.